Chelsea, MA Unsorted, 24 May 2023

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From YouTube: NSCS Wellness Series EP4

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City of Chelsea, Host: Damien Cabezas, NSCS President and CEO. Guest: Yvonne Casteñeda, NSCS Board Member

A

B

Hello, I'm Damian, cabases I'm, the president and CEO of North Suffolk, Community Services, formerly North, Suffolk, Mental, Health Association, we're thrilled this morning to be here with Yvonne Castaneda Yvonne is one of our newest board members and she's, our director of Community Affairs at Boston, College and she's. Also clinician as well as an author of pork belly tacos with a side of anxiety which we will be talking about today, is May 1st, which is mental health awareness month, and we are thrilled to be talking about her book mental health awareness month.

B

For those that don't know, is a national movement that raises awareness of mental illness.

B

But, more importantly, in my opinion, it reminds us of the inherent value that we each bring, regardless of diagnosis, disability, socioeconomic status, race, ethnicity, so we're thrilled to be joined by Yvonne today and for those that don't know nscs, we have been innovating since 1959 we're a community-based organization that serves those with mental illness, those that are coping with substance use disorders and we also serve those with intellectual and developmental disabilities.

B

We serve the lifespan from 1 to 60 plus and we're always trying to strive and meet the needs of our community for more information about North Suffolk. Please visit our website at.

B

Www.Northsuffolk.Org so Yvonne before we dive into your book, tell us a little about yourself.

C

See I am a transplant to Boston I moved here from Miami almost 12 years ago, I used to actually used to work in the fitness industry and I came here to pursue a role in in the fitness industry and I got a master of social work. A few years ago, I left the fitness industry and I have since then been a mental health clinician, working primarily with a Hispanic population and I'm. Also now the director of community-based initiatives, as you said, at Boston College. So that's a little bit about me. My father was Cuban.

C

My mom is Mexican two very different cultures, which I'm sure we're kind of going to dive into a little bit two different cultures, but yeah I'm, the daughter of immigrants, wonderful.

B

And you know I, one of the things that I picked up from your book is that your parents were like an anchor like a really strong anchor throughout your life. Definitely so yeah, that's great.

A

C

They they were absolutely I mean.

C

You know it's interesting, that you use that word anchor, because that is exactly how I felt my father passed away three years ago and I was describing the experience to someone and I said you know it's interesting, because you do kind of feel like one anchor has been pulled up, you're still kind of tethered, but something has changed, and maybe you don't feel quite as stable as you did before, but you're still, okay, but yeah. My parents um definitely were an anchor. I grew up in a home with a lot of love.

C

I definitely was loved and felt loved and continued to feel loved. Yeah.

B

Yeah and and thank you for um writing this book and and being vulnerable right and sharing your story, because that's that's not easy and and I'm I'm curious. What did your family? You know when they, because you, you mention a lot of your family in the book? What was their reaction because as a Cuban American, you know I know that you know um there's a saying in Spanish right: La, Tropa, Associates right! You know!

B

So you know your dirty laundry, you you keep it home yeah, and so, when you shared all this and they read it, what was their reaction? Well.

C

The good thing is: mom, I think it. You know it's interesting, that you say that, because that actually was one of the reasons why I wrote the book that whole idea that you know you don't talk about your things outside the family, the whole concept of family bismo, like you, keep it within the family. You don't share any vulnerabilities that you have because then what what are other people going to think about us as if we have to be like the model Latino family, my mom doesn't read.

C

My mom doesn't read in her language in Spanish, because my mom had no education. You know she came from a very poor family, so she didn't really read the book she I shared with her the idea of the book and what I had written about and I was really really pleasantly surprised that she was like. Oh you know it's good that you're talking about that.

C

You know that I. That I was just really talking and I. Think in in writing. It I shared a lot of it with her um and asked her a lot of questions and I think that she realized the power of her being able to be vulnerable and to talk about like her experiences and her being, you know, upset or sad. So um my I know that my brother is currently reading. It I think for my brother, it probably hits a little hard being a man being a Latino male, but my my hope there was hey.

C

You know we shared this and I wonder if maybe you you kind of had a similar experience, and maybe that's what's happening for you today, um but other than that I haven't necessarily had any family members call me like I can't believe, but at the end of the day, I think that I wrote it and I had to be very vulnerable.

C

I had to be very honest because, as you know, in our culture, as in many cultures, many immigrant cultures, whether you're Italian, whether you're Indian, whether you're Asian like I, think that there is a lot of stigma around mental health. So I'm, like you, know what I'm going to write about it. Maybe it's maybe we decrease stigma just a little bit. Let's.

B

Hope we make it okay, yeah, let's hope so.

C

B

Yeah- and you know just just just adding to the conversation around culture, I, I I, remember a part of the book where, when you were with your Cuban family and you know, being Cuban, I I know what you're talking about, because we we tend to be, which is a great thing. We.

C

Were very honest, honest.

B

And outspoken right, we we, you know like to share our opinion uh and and and you um just adding to the conversation, I I, remember. One of the parts of the book is that you felt really pressured when you were around your Cuban family, where they were asking you questions around your weights.

A

B

Your appearance and that sort of thing, but yet when you traveled and visited your family in Mexico,.

A

B

Was a very different experience where.

C

They wanted to.

B

Know you and not so much your appearance, Two.

C

Worlds yeah completely. um Definitely you know, as you said, Cubans were very opinionated. um We don't even wait for people to ask our opinion. We're just gonna tell you anyway, and you know they mean you being human I. Think I, wonder if you could, if you, if this resonates with you, it's like a part of it, is I wonder having lived in a communist country not being able to say what you really feel or what you really think, I think when they come to the United States they're like oh, it's on I'm.

D

C

Gonna say everything but yeah I mean I was definitely constantly criticized and often confused, because you know my aunt would say: did you eat? You know you really need to eat. You know we made all this food and then simultaneously, like a few minutes later or a little while later you're too fat like you need to lose weight, so it was very confusing. Certainly as a kid you know, 11 12 years old, adolescence when we're hyper aware of our bodies and it wasn't just weight, it was your hair is a mess.

C

Why are you wearing those pants, um and so it was just you know, constantly and I think the message I got there was your worth is wrapped up in your appearance like this is how we there's nothing about your internal space that we care about like we're. Just looking at what you look like and what your achievements are. You know what are your grades and I went to Mexico and I? Just remember they were you know. My family has been very poor, was very poor for a very long time and uh I.

C

My grandmother was Raising eight of my cousins because one of my aunts passed away and left behind eight orphaned, children and I just remember the environment in which they lived Amy and it was so I mean it was very poor. um We're talking about food poverty, we're talking about uh worrying about shelter um and I. Just remember that. Never never did they ever look at me and make a comment about my weight or my hair.

C

They were just really curious about me as I was about them and so I felt very safe and I felt very loved and I just felt home and I always wanted to return to Mexico.

D

C

Didn't see the poverty I saw, family I saw connection and belonging, so it was just very two, very different cultures, absolutely yeah.

B

And I and I just think in a broader context, I mean you know with appearance is important, I mean um just in general. You know marketing. We see commercials all the time and I think um you know that's part of what we're we're going to dive into yeah right that pressure about about appearance. So yeah, let's dive in and you know, I love um a lot of a lot. You have a lot of throwback terms to the Sev, you know being uh the 80s uh yeah, the 80s I.

B

Have you know a lot of throwback terms that brought a lot of great memories. So you know that was really good, but you know being that this is May 1st. This is mental health awareness month. You know in the author's note you write. I am grateful for the way in which we, as a society, have become more mindful of our words, more considerate of others and more compassionate toward those suffer mental illness and addiction. We have a long way to go, but I'm hopeful that we are headed in the right direction.

B

I think you you, the the book came out in 2022 a year.

A

B

So how do you, how do you feel about that still do you still believe we're headed in the right direction? I do.

C

I really do I mean I, think that we have made a lot of progress and I also think that we have a lot of room to grow.

C

Certainly in In some cultures in our culture specifically I think a lot of what I see and I don't know you might see this in our Suffolk too, is the younger Generations. The kids who were born here, raised here like myself, but are now younger, maybe gen, Z and even younger than that they are wanting to talk about their mental health they're open about having anxiety. They want to talk about depression, they seek support. I worked in a high school last year.

C

One day a week and I was shocked at how many youth, boys and girls wanted to talk to someone and I thought Gloria halleluia, you know things are changing and at the same time, I think that there is a generational divide. You know I still think the older generations of Latinos specifically- and maybe this is true for other immigrant groups, but I know that the older are not as willing and as open to embrace mental health or just to embrace the idea that it would be okay to talk to somebody. It doesn't mean you're crazy.

C

It just means. Maybe you need to talk to somebody. So I saw a lot of conflict between Mommy and Poppy or Mommy and like the teenage daughter that really wanted some support. You know and so I think when I, when I think about this book, that I wrote like I think what my whole hope for it is and continues to be. Is I.

C

Don't just want the 16 year old to read it or the 21 year old to read it I want Mom to read it too, and obviously that gets into a whole other challenge, because it's in English, you know. So if you're a publisher and you publish in Spanish, please contact me, um and so you know the book were translated in both Generations could could read it so, but I do think we have made progress. I.

A

C

Too social media I feel like we get ahead and then social media takes people 30 steps back right.

D

C

I do think at least it's a conversation.

B

So I I raised the question because I do worry about the fact that when you hear about or see about these horrific incidences that are happening, the go-to is always around mental illness and I'm hopeful that we can raise awareness during mental health month to really differentiate between violence and mental illness, because there is a difference. So that's why I raised I raised the question. Yeah.

C

I mean it's kind of alarming right, the things that we see now nowadays and I think also the regrettable piece about this. That I don't know that, there's enough awareness about mental health and specifically, specifically it's like severe mental illness and not perhaps not enough training for police officers as well or for First Responders to recognize this person is in psychosis right right, like this person is experiencing psychosis versus.

C

You know the alternative to that. So I again, it's it's all about moving towards that at least we're having a conversation, yeah.

B

Absolutely absolutely so: let's dive into the book foreign.

B

So um one of the parts of the book says um this loose in invitation to be super cool super popular super awesome. Cheerleader was all the encouragement I needed to become fully obsessed with my physical appearance and weight loss, powerful.

C

Oh yeah, that was real yeah I mean you know where I was in that book. I was I. Think in the ninth grade, I had just started the ninth grade and, like you and I know like we didn't, have Middle School.

C

We had Junior, High, seventh, eighth and Ninth Grade, but having an elementary school I was a I was a heavy kid and I was Heavy because my parents both had been very poor, and so they arrived here to this country and their their idea of success was we have food like we have a home and we have a full pantry and we have a stocked fridge and we can provide food.

C

So you know I I say that with a lot of compassion and understanding from my parents, and so, but also at the same time, that meant if I wanted to eat a donut at midnight. Mommy would bring me the donut and a glass of milk and ask me if I wanted another one. So nothing was off the table. So I, you know we just ate a lot of stuff and I. Never exercised.

C

I was a Pianist um and I was I, was all about school and, like I, don't know what it was like for you, but Elementary School I was never bullied ever I. Think I grew up with kids that were we were just really nice to each other.

C

um It was all about grades and I never felt that my weight was I. I didn't have awareness that it was not okay to be bigger, um and even though I could hear my aunt and my grandmother or my aunt more specifically like make comments. I don't know that they stuck quite as much as when I got to when I entered adolescence. It was just a whole other ball game and suddenly those comments really hit hard and suddenly in the seventh grade in Middle.

C

School is I'm very aware of my body, as is everybody else and I'm aware of clicks of popularity, and it was just really scary. It was a whole new world that I didn't know how to navigate and so I had lost I. As you know, in the book like I lost, I, don't know, maybe I don't know 12 pounds. Maybe I lost a significant amount of weight right before the seventh grade, not because I went on a diet, but because I just got sick and when I went to school.

C

That first day, I will never forget that it was as if I had achieved celebrity status and kids were coming up to me and saying things like wow, you look, you look different.

C

You look good like you lost a lot of fat um and you look better and that was so like intoxicating for me and it I made a connection there right in my brain I made a connection that this is a good thing, because I'm getting a lot of this attention and then you know, of course, seventh eighth grade I gained a lot of weight back because I didn't really know why I lost weight in the first place, but by the time I reached ninth grade I'm in the summer before I went on a serious diet.

C

I was like that's it. I'm gonna be skinny and I'm going to be perfect. I'm, tired of hearing my aunt, my grandmother, my Cuban family, all I, think I'm just gonna be so skinny that they'll never be able to say these things again and I'm going to be perfect, and so, when I got to the ninth grade, I again so much attention so much attention, I grew I got really thin.

C

Everybody was like, oh, my God, and suddenly everybody just wanted to be my friend, which was so bizarre um and I just became very popular and then the idea of being a cheerleader was right up there with you know what we talked about the other day. It was like straight out of an 80s movie. You know, like you know the pretty cheerleader dating, like you know, the football player who has a convertible I, don't know it's one of those things that in my head, I thought that that's the life I needed to live.

C

You know, I, didn't I, didn't know enough to to recognize. I didn't have to do that. I thought. Okay, that's we're in America! That's what you do yeah um and so I just became really obsessed with my appearance super over the top and I went to extremes.

B

And you know, for those of us growing up in the 80s again, you know, sort of there was a lot of happening. Sort of in the 80s and appearance was a a major like a major Focus. Oh.

D

B

And um yeah yeah I. Do you know thinking back uh during High, School, yeah I, don't recall a lot of the bullying? Not a lot of bullying was going on, but it was. You know it was really important to be part of a group. Oh yeah, especially a popular group yeah.

C

Yeah yeah yeah clicks were everything yeah always tell people, you know I wasn't bullied by any person. I mean my. My relatives were kind of aggressive, but I. Didn't they weren't bullying me necessarily that's just their culture, that's just whatever yeah but I always say I, but I was still bullied by myself. I had like an internal bully at play. That was incessant. You know that was constantly bullying me on the inside.

C

Like you're, not good enough, you need to be skinnier, you got to be better, you need to fit in so it was really really hard. Yeah.

B

So another another part of the book. You know that said um you had sort of uh a moment in terms of your feelings and um you talk about I'm, sad I'm. Mad I'm hurt I'm scared, my emotions manifested as stomachaches as tightness in my chest as impulsive, overeating and insomnia, none of which I thought mommy would understand. Let alone know how to fix so I clammed up and ate my way through the pantry.

C

Yeah, so that was a little bit you know I, you know cheerleading just didn't work out for me simply because I realized, thankfully I just didn't like it I'm like I, don't I, don't like cheering for anybody. I don't want to cheat I, don't want to be on Sidelines um and the whole environment of it. I went to a predominantly white Heist. There were some like. There was a lot of Latino, but it was still kind of white like the culture and I I, just for whatever reason I'm like this is just not for me.

C

You know, but I definitely throughout high school was trying to navigate lots of different things and um I enrolled in a karate school in high school and again there were comments about like my body, because I began to eat again and I. It's not like I gained 50 pounds. I gained some weight back, but it was. It was just something that I was always aware of. Like gone.

C

Was that innocence of just being in a room and not thinking about my thighs I was always thinking about like my body and whether it was thin enough and Hyper focused and so I think you know you know my my sensei in karate was quite harsh, made comments about my legs, my thighs that I was too fat and um I. Think what that comment, or that piece in the book where it comes from was I didn't have the words Damian like, as you know, like growing up in a Latino family.

C

You know there was no idea of what anxiety is, or even those words were never heard in my in my house, neither anxiety or depression, and so I didn't have words to articulate my feelings, because on top of that, any Nega, no I, don't want to say negative, but any difficult feeling was always suppressed right, because those are the messages that I received from my parents from my family.

C

It's like you, don't cry, you don't cry you don't you know if you're crying be quiet, it's okay, just let it go and we just were never given space and so I didn't have the words to articulate how I was feeling I didn't even know how to identify that. So what happened it manifested in different ways, I felt it in my body, I felt my stomach aches I felt my chest. Tighten um and I also I, think from anxiety just ate and then I eventually just slipped into a depression in high school.

C

But again, I had no idea that I had depression. I just thought I was being lazy.

D

C

Oh, my God I'm I'm a disgrace to this Cuban family. It was so hard working, I'm, a disgrace. I don't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to do anything, so it was just really really high. That's why again, like I think mental health is so important, is giving people not just the space but education like guess what you know, how about we learn to just identify what your emotions are like what you feel so that you have a better idea of what's going on yeah.

B

Yeah and you know looking for help right being able to say I need help is okay, yeah.

C

Yeah, that was not okay. That's.

B

Not okay, yeah and still you know, given the stigma that exists around mental health or substance, use disorders or disabilities. I mean it's still hard yeah to talk to, but you know, like you say, we're moving in the right direction.

C

Yeah I'm hopeful I definitely am.

B

So another part of the book I found interesting um was Dr Willoughby, yes, right, Dr Willoughby was an interesting character in the book, and you know part of your life, my and my chorus friends, my family, everyone noticed I was losing weight, but nobody seemed alarmed by it. Nor did anyone suspect that I was binging and purging.

B

Bulimia nervosa was largely considered a white girl phenomenon, an eating disorder, not too common in the Latino culture, and even if I were nobody in their right mind would openly discuss it because either meal. What would people think right right.

C

Oh yeah, no, no, no one had a clue. I had that whoa I had that Under Wraps I mean I was binging and purging I'm not kidding like it started in the I, think the middle of my senior year, and it went from once or twice a week to five times a day. Very fast um I was Intoxicated by how easy it was to lose weight. For me, it was like oh I found a solution. I can eat whatever I want and I, don't have to worry about gaining weight.

C

I just have to you know Purge, which is awful, of course, um but yeah I I was losing weight very fast and what's interesting is the same sensei in my Karate Dojo, who would grab my thighs in class and say too fat too fat? You are too fat, then you know it started to say: oh you, you two weeks, you know two weeks, skinny skinny skinny, again very confusing, like bro. What do you want? Yeah like? What do you want for me, um but yeah?

C

Nobody, everybody just thought it was normal because again, this is the 80s where it was very normal. All the time in every space, for people to talk about their weight, yeah and about food, it was like that whole diet, culture. My teachers would come in and talk about like that, their diet that they were on and they were hoping to lose 25 pounds, and so it was like I couldn't get away from it. Everybody talked about it. It was a thing. You know like this ideal of being super thin, like Twiggy thin.

B

C

You know so, no it you know Dr Willoughby, nobody caught it.

B

Yeah, although in that karate class, if I recall there was a there, was an older gentleman yeah that kind of hit on you early on yeah, yeah and also noticed. uh You know at some point.

C

He was not the same one who hit.

B

On me, okay, that.

C

Was another creepy fellow, but um he was very creepy. um Danny Rosenberg was this nice young? He was young, but I thought it was ancient um because I was 17 and he was 24.. Oh my God, he was so old um and he we we were always friends. He I felt like he was an older brother in many ways. I never felt like he was in a. He was never inappropriate. It was super.

C

He just looked after me and would tease me and- and he was the one who I actually passed out in class and after class. He waited for me in the parking lot and he said we have to have a conversation and I was like oh and I said what's going on and he just got it out of me. He's like I he's like I, know, I think I know what's going on, but I need you to tell me he's like, because you've lost a lot of weight and you're passing out. You don't look good.

C

So why? Don't you tell me? What's going on and so I did I opened up to him. It was very uncomfortable because hello, we don't talk about our stuff outside of our family, um but think you know, Danny God bless him. You know he was very wealthy. He came from a very wealthy family and he said: okay, here's. What I think we should do he's like I will pay for a therapist and I.

C

Want you to go see this family therapist that we have, or we can tell your family and I, was like uh what a so I went to therapy dragging my heels into the ground because it violated so much of what I've been taught it violated. Don't talk about your don't talk to a stranger and now you're going to see like you're going to a psychologist. Oh my God. What are people going to think I lied. I wasn't ready for that.

C

Not even a little bad I just wanted to be skinny, but I was willing to go to exciting care. You know, but I I appreciate him sure so much for just trying to help me, but he did notice. Thank God.

B

Thank you thank God. Somebody.

C

Was trying to hold me accountable? You know it.

B

It brings up a good point that you know again. It's so grateful that you're sort of sharing this, because um for those struggling with similar or the same issues, you know it's it's a journey. You know and.

A

B

Know um it takes a while to open up, be able to open up and.

C

B

About these things,.

C

Oh yeah definitely definitely yeah.

B

I mean but keep at it.

D

Yeah right yep.

B

So then, you know sort of another I guess Crossroads. You know you were dealing with the eating disorder. Then you started buying my own cigarettes and beer and look forward to my daily happy hour because it was when I felt liberated from my Ned Wheels my nerves, right yeah after a few beers, I didn't think about how much I missed home, didn't think about college or the rest of my life didn't feel sad or worried or anxious. Under. The Influence I was far more social, funnier, smarter, sweeter, more loving, more generous I.

C

Liked myself better, you know, I did I liked myself better, but I mean where I was at that point. I had graduated from high school and I had some scholarships to study music and I.

C

You know, like I mentioned the other night I had a strong calling for service very early on I at 14, when I didn't want to continue with piano, I I think at that point, even though I wanted to be a cheerleader and all that I think internally, I knew nah, that's not the life for me and as I got older through High School I definitely had a calling for service that I ignored um and so I went to Mexico with my family after I graduated with no agenda, but I ended up going with I just want to stay here.

C

I want to stay with my grandmother and my cousins because they accept me, as is they're, not talking about my body. They're I like it here, I feel safe and I stay and my father was so cool he's like mija stay, but please don't forget our promise. You're gonna go to college, and so in that, in that time, where I was left unsupervised, essentially I was struggling with a lot I was struggling with. I was worried about the rest of my life for as much as I wanted to enjoy being in Mexico.

C

I was still very much so doubting a lot of things and trying to you know what am I supposed to do with my life. What's my purpose, those questions about purpose started for me really early, which is. It was just a lot of rumination, a lot of like overthinking. What am I going to do? What am I going to do, and so my aunt was a smoker and I. Just and my parents were smokers and I just remember watching my aunt.

C

The way that she would you know she would get home from work and she would take off her shoes. She was like Sophia Loren, like she was so glamorous and she would take off her shoes and she would light up a cigarette and take a drag and like blow it out and look so relaxed and I. Remember thinking oh I kind of want that and I just asked her: hey can I have one of those, and that was the end. I started drinking smoking. It was normal in my family.

C

It wasn't like such a big deal. You know we had a lot of alcoholism in our family. It just wasn't like you know, I did have one cousin. That was like what are your parents gonna think, but I was like I, don't care, I'm 18., you know I'm living my life trying to be Miss Independent, um but that would that became.

C

That became a pattern right. That became an addiction it I. I wasn't blind to the fact that during the day when I felt a lot of anxiety, again I didn't know, it was anxiety, I felt I was out of control, I would binge and Purge, and that would calm me down, but then thoughts would resurface or I'd start to worry or just feel a little awkward around. My family I just always felt like awkward I.

C

Don't know that there's no other word for it, and then it just became a routine, but then I would drink and I would feel better and I would open up and I would just be more myself and I would entertain my cousins with jokes and stories and it just became like a good time, but it never stopped. You know I made a very strong connection. As you know, the developing brain makes that connection between the substance and relaxation it's over right right. You know and that's exactly what happened so I I left Mexico with three.

C

You know really maladaptive Kobe mechanism.

B

Right, well, you know and I think it's it's completely. You know I'm glad again that you you you raise awareness to this issue because it's not uncommon at that age to sort of Wonder, because you were also I. Remember part of the book. You were also like didn't have a life plan.

C

Right and I think.

B

That a lot of people can relate in that age to to sort of not knowing yes, what to do, and you know- and you know I I too, was in that same situation and I too discovered alcohol to sort of mitigate.

A

B

Yes, yeah, yes, you know sort of put it off because it's a hard. It's a hard decision.

C

Well, that's a tall ask.

B

C

I could say anything is like: how do you ask a 17 year old to determine what they want to do with the rest of their life? That's mean, first of all, it's also very limiting I think. Sometimes it's you got to shove us into.

C

You got to go to college and then, after you graduate you do this and then you do that and then you get married and you have children, you buy home and blah blah blah blah, and it's like a whole plan that you're supposed to have and I think when I think about it now, I think at the end of the day, what happens is that we don't necessarily teach children we're not taught to fully and utterly be in the present and trusted yeah to just be there just be right here, don't overthink the rest of your life like this is where you are right now and Trust the moment.

C

I was not taught that and again, like I understand my parents, my parents were poor, so what did they want for me and my brother Safety and Security, and for them that was get an education and get a good job with benefits a pension and and hopefully a salary where you don't have to clock in and out. You know that, for them was the definition. The very definition of success in the American dream.

D

C

Right but I had a different I had a different calling I had a different perspective on what I wanted, or what I felt like I should do with my life, and so it was at odds with that.

B

Yeah and and so for those that are listening in that age group, it's normal to be having those thoughts. Having that anxiety about you know what to do with the rest of your life and it's it's not something. You.

A

C

Figure out yeah you're, not.

B

Alone and it's not something you have to figure out like yeah tomorrow,.

C

Tomorrow, yeah, it takes a little while no I think that the my book is like literally an example of how everything that you do in your life.

C

Every moment has a purpose and it eventually it all I, don't know it's just weird it just all kind of came together, yeah, you know for as much as I worried and planned and strategized like it.

C

Just all kind of came together and I also recognize, though, that the reason I think it came together and I arrived here is because I had moments in my life, where I ignored um logic and reason and I went with intuition and knowing and those moments are the moments that really drastically altered my life in a very, very positive way. I didn't always see it.

D

C

I see it now, you know one example is just that you know interaction I had with those gentlemen, when I was working as a bartender and I had just graduated from college and I had all this existential angst. What am I gonna do and I also had this pressure to keep up with other people. You know I graduated with a degree in international relations and, and the question I always got was. What are you gonna do with that?.

D

C

How are you going to monetize that degree and I didn't have an answer, um and so I felt very pressured. Everybody was going to law, school or graduate school and that didn't speak to me and all I wanted to do was travel. All I could think about all I envisioned was I, just want to travel, I want to see the world I want to meet other people, and so, when I met these men that came to the bar and sat at the bar and I'd never seen them before.

C

I just started having a conversation with them about where they were from. They were both from other well, one was from a different country, and we just had this great conversation, but there came that question.

C

So what are you gonna do now and I? Remember that moment, because I was like I could lie and be to to appear like I know what the hell I'm doing, which I don't I, could lie and say I'm going to law, school or graduate school, but in that moment I was like just go with the truth. Go with truth. You know be honest, you're, probably never going to see them again. huh So I said I, don't know, I I really don't know. I know that I want to travel and I.

C

Don't know what that looks like I, don't know how to make that happen. Maybe Peace Corps, but I know that I want to travel and I want to help people, and so one of those gentlemen turned out to be the VP of Norwegian Cruise Lines and there I was on a ship a couple weeks later and I had I look back and there were moments in my life where I leaned into what felt right.

C

What felt true for me and those are the that's when my life seemed to flow yeah afterward, it's when I ignored that the things got clunky and awful yeah.

B

And and so another solution or solution uh that you came to was discovering God discovering Faith, you met father, Gabriel yep and you know: can you talk a little about that.

C

Oh yeah, again another moment you know I was driving around I was in college my senior year having a little bit of angst about what the hell am I going to do. I have no idea. My parents couldn't really guide me because they didn't it just didn't know. Okay, so I was I spent a lot of time alone and I was driving around the city. I used to love driving around the city of Miami and just looking at the beautiful Banyan trees and I used to drive around these beautiful neighborhoods and I.

C

Just for whatever reason it just brought me a lot of calm and I drove into this neighborhood that I I knew but I had never noticed this church and the reason I walked in was because the church on the outside looked like something out of Europe. You know it was like Byzantine the architecture it just for whatever reason it spoke to me, and this is a Monday and I parked my card I'm like I'm, just gonna go inside. No, you know, I was raised, Catholic I, never lost.

C

My connection to God um I may not have been as um dedicated to going to church every Sunday, but I always felt very close to God I, never felt alone. So I walked into the church and mind you now I'm drinking heavily I, don't know how I got through college. I was a drinker, a smoker binging and purging on a regular basis. I was not in a good space mentally emotionally and I walked into the church and I just kind of sat there.

C

That's it I didn't have any John just sat there, and then I did what I, what just came natural, which was to pray and I knelt down to pray and- and you know, Here Comes, This priest, he father Gabriel and he said hello, and we ended up having a conversation during which I, bawled um and I just kind of opened up and shared everything.

C

Almost everything with him, because still I was not okay with how do I tell this person that I'm, binging and purging I had a lot of Shame myself, but I think he got the gist of it, and he said why don't you come back on Sunday and I did so?

C

I came back on Sunday and, like I shared the other day, it was a milkite church and half the mass was in Arabic and the other was in English, so I ended up singing in Arabic in the choir and I was like one of the only Latinos in that church. I met people from Lebanon and Syria.

C

So in a way I, you know brought me like closer to other cultures, and so father Gabriel became somebody that I, just he kind of, took me under his wing in a way and I felt I felt supported, I felt protected, I yeah, you know father Gabriel, he just his kindness and things. He said to me just kind of stayed with me and I I didn't tell you this the other night, but coincidentally, when I moved here.

C

The first day that I was here, I was thinking about father, Gabriel I'm, not kidding you I was thinking about father, Gabriel and I got into a taxi because Uber didn't exist and I got into a taxi and I. Think I was going to meet a realtor to look at an apartment and the taxi driver. Just we I engage him in conversation. I could hear the accent I forget where he said no. He said he was from Lebanon and I said.

C

Oh, you know, I used to go to a Lebanese, church or I went to a church in Miami. That was heavily. You know a lot of Lebanese and he goes oh. What was the name of the church and I was like? Oh, it's Saint Jude um and he said oh and I said yeah. He goes do you? Do you know father Gabriel? Oh goodness, like are you kidding me? He. It was his last day as a taxi driver.

C

He was leaving to go meet father, Gabriel I think it was in Greece where father Gabriel was now located. It was just the oddest thing, I.

B

Don't know I just went on the table small world small.

C

B

And so another another um Another, Part, Of, Your solution or solution was exercise and I. Think you discovered yoga as well. You talk about yoga.

A

C

B

That was another.

C

I think out, honestly Damon I was just trying to heal I I, don't know that I realized that that's what I was doing, but I was really just trying.

C

I was I, it was a journey that started in my mid-20s when I had a tooth pulled I think that's when it became very real. That's when it became. Oh boy like this is a problem. This is really a disease and getting that tooth pulled was a fire alarm.

C

It was like a bottom, not the only bottom, but it was definitely the first and a significant one and I think I didn't know. I didn't know how to recover from an eating disorder. I had no idea and I couldn't ask for help, and so I did. What I thought was logical, which was maybe I should try to be healthy. Like I had a vision of myself as an athlete and where that came from I, don't know, but I went with it. You know.

C

Maybe it was because I looked up to female athletes, I don't know, but I started to run and then running became a little bit of a of a thing that helped me and then it became another Kobe mechanism and then exercise became another coping mechanism. It just became another thing that I was using to distract myself from myself, but it did have positive.

C

You know benefits, but it was in that Journey I think after I definitely felt things shift in my life in my mid-30s I yoga again was one of those things that didn't make sense as to why I was doing it. I had never taken a yoga class in my life, never taken a yoga class and suddenly you know I'm working as a personal trainer at this point or I think I was a manager. At this point, and one of my clients brings me a flyer and I had been thinking about yoga and I.

C

Remember I said to a yoga teacher in the gym. I said Paul. What's up with yoga, I keep thinking about it. What's up with yoga, and he looked at me and he said it's. The end of suffering and I was like no seriously come on and he's like I'm serious and it, for whatever reason it just hit me.

C

I still didn't do anything still thinking about yoga and walks. My client puts a flyer on my desk and said you know. I saw this and I thought. Maybe you would be interested in doing this and it was a yoga teacher training.

C

So I went through yoga teacher training, never having taken yoga, but it just made sense to me I'm, like I'm gonna. Do this because I think Damon at that point and I talk about this? A little in the book is I felt like I when I started as a trainer. It felt very connected to this idea that I wanted to help other people. It was about contribution that I wanted to help people and I felt being a trainer and using everything that I had gone through with an eating disorder and was still going through.

C

That I could somehow help people in their Journey but I. What I realized right away was that I was only dealing with the physical and people were coming to me with mental and emotional.

D

C

Didn't have access to that and I think I didn't have access to that for myself for many years, and so yoga was a way for me to peel back an onion like peel back a layer of the onion. Well, let me try to get a little bit closer and then from there I became a life coach, because I was just trying to get closer to understanding.

C

Why, like? Why do we do the things that we do? Why did I? Do the things that I do I want to understand? I want to understand myself better so that I can understand my clients better, so that I can help them right, and so that's kind of like where why I went to yoga. But it was tremendous I love, yoga.

B

Well so it's um you know, the takeaway from the book for me was that it's a it's a it's a process and it's a journey and it takes time and relapse, is something that is natural in this process. Absolutely you know so, there's a little bit. You know back and forth until you, you know, are able to to get to La solutions to get to the solution, and every person's soul is Young is different.

A

B

um And you know- and there is no timeline right- there's no like timeline, it's all very in the individualized and personal and yeah. So you know I just want to thank you again, for you know, sharing this story. It's it's amazing for those again that uh want to read more. It's pork belly tacos with a side of anxiety, I've enjoyed the conversation we could. We could be here for hours because it's such a you know interesting topic. That I think affects all families.

B

um When you look at the statistics where one in four.

A

B

Are suffering with a mental illness one and ten are suffering with a substance use disorder. It touches all families regardless of ethnicity or socioeconomic status, or it touches our family. So thank you.

D

B

Those that want more information, you can certainly visit our website www.northsuffolk.org for those that need help for those that need more information to get help. We're certainly there to to um to help you in any way we can and Kelly Knox will be returning to uh her series or Wellness series, and it's been a real pleasure Yvonne and we're so grateful that you're serving on our board, and we can learn more from you. Thank.

C

B

I look forward to continuing the conversation you.

C

Bet, thank you so much.

A