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From YouTube: Strayed AVID 2013
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https://amara.org/v/C0syX/
A
The
library
is
really
such
an
important
resource
here
in
Des
Moines,
not
only
for
the
free
flow
of
books
for
everyone,
which
is
a
miracle
in
itself,
but
also
as
a
gathering
place
for
our
community
to
exchange
ideas
and
to
connect
with
one
another.
I
have
to
say
my
first
introduction
to
Cheryl
Strayed
didn't
go
quite
this.
Well,
it
happened
not
long
ago,
not
long
after
my
book
came
out
on
a
night
that
my
friend,
Kelly
and
I
were
having
a
drink
down
at
django.
She
comes
in
all
excited.
Oh
my
gosh.
B
C
A
She
says
it's
called
wild
and
it's
by
this
amazing
woman
named
Cheryl
Strayed,
and
it's
the
story
of
how
this
woman
just
ditched
everything
and
she
took
an
incredible
journey
to
get
her
life
into
perspective
and
I
still
just
can't
believe
how
good
it
wasn't.
I
think
I
love
her,
so
much
I,
just
SAT
there
for
a
minute-
and
I
looked
at
kelly,
dude
I,
said
finally,
I
totally
did
that
I.
A
Eventually,
though,
curiosity
got
the
best
of
me
and
I
soon
picked
up
a
book
called
tiny,
beautiful
things:
Cheryl
Strayed
collection
of
advice,
columns
that
she
wrote
anonymously
as
dear
sugar
for
the
website.
The
rumpus
I
didn't
go
straight
to
wild.
It
was
still
a
little
pouty
from
the
opening
pages
of
tiny,
beautiful
things.
Cheryl
Strayed
magnanimous,
fierce
advice
to
the
Lonely
Hearts
among
us
and
aren't
we
all
really
Lonely
Hearts
deep
down
it
warmed
my
cold
and
jealous
soul.
I
mean
I
was
torn
down
by
this
woman.
A
A
Wild
was
chosen
by
Oprah
Winfrey
as
her
first
selection
for
Oprah's
Book
Club
2
point
0
an
option
for
film
by
Reese
Witherspoon's
production
company
pacific
standard
in
these
books.
I
found
again
and
again
that
same
unselfish
openness
and
Cheryl
Strayed
writing.
It
is
a
form
of
love.
Writing
like
that,
and
it
is
the
very
best
work
an
author
can
do
and
Cheryl
Strayed
is
so
good
at
it
heart
breaking
Lee
good.
A
D
Hi
everyone,
hello,
hi,
everyone
thanks,
so
much
for
coming
and
I
feel
so
terribly
guilty
about
all
of
you
standing
in
the
back.
You
all
deserve
seats,
but
if
it's
any
comfort,
I
just
I
get
to
watch
a
lot
of
TV
in
hotel
rooms.
These
days
and
the
other
day,
I
was
in
Los
Angeles
and
I
turned
on
the
TV,
and
it
was
this
whole
show
about.
Basically,
sitting
is
like
the
end
of
us,
so
you
guys
who
don't
have
a
seat,
you're
you're,
doing
something
good
for
your
body,
so
good
for
you.
D
So
thank
you.
What
a
great
introduction!
Thank
you,
so
much
I
think
you
should
all
immediately
go
by
Jen's
book
from
this
lovely
independent
bookseller
over
here,
because
it
sounds
fantastic.
It
sounds
just
right
up
my
alley
or
down
my
path.
I
should
say
so.
Thank
you.
It's
such
an
honor
to
walk
into
a
room
and
see
so
many
people
here
to
hear
a
writer
talk
and
about
a
book
and
I'm,
especially
honored
that
it's
my
my
book.
So
thank
you.
How
many
of
you
have
read
wild
whoa
like
how
many
do
haven't
read?
D
Wild
shame.
Shame
on
you,
I'm
teasing,
so
I'm
going
to
talk
tonight
about
mostly
about
wild
a
little
bit
about
my
other
books
too,
and
when
I
go
I'm
going
to
read
a
little
bit
from
wild
too,
but
mostly
when
I
go
to
hear
a
writer
I
want
to
hear
this
story
behind
the
story.
So
forgive
me
if
there
are
any
spoilers
in
my
talk.
There
might
be
just
a
couple
what
the
big
one
is:
I
lived
so
and,
and
also
if
you've
already
read
the
book.
D
D
I
was
living
in
Minneapolis
and
had
reached
a
point
of
what
I
think
it
really
is
the
bottom
of
my
life,
a
point
of
real
despair
and
sorrow,
as
those
of
you
have
read,
the
book
know
that
you
know
so
much
of
the
journey.
You
know
there's
this
hiking
boot
on
the
cover
which
is
it
kind
of
like
you
know.
Some
people
pick
it
up
because
of
the
boot.
They
think
it's
about
hiking
and
then
they're
like
wait
a
minute.
D
You
know,
probably
many
many
of
you
in
the
room
have
experienced
the
loss
of
somebody
who
was
essential
to
you
and
so
I
know.
I
know
you
know,
you'll
know
what
I
mean
when
I
say
you
know
the
world
ended
for
me
that
day
that
my
mom
died.
There
was
life
as
I
knew
it
until
that
day,
and
then
there
was
a
different
life
and
I
was
in
the
midst.
Any
way
of
going
of
I
was
a
senior
in
college.
My
mom
was
also
senior
in
college.
D
Essentially,
we
didn't
have
indoor
plumbing
or
running
water
or
electricity
for
big
chunks
of
my
teenage
years,
which
wasn't
what
I
was
hoping
for,
but
I
we
had
an
outhouse
and
all
of
that
kind
of
stuff
and
when
I,
when
I
Desai
was
always
this
ambitious
kid
who,
who
wanted
to
be
a
writer
I,
didn't
grow
up
in
a
house
of
culture,
I
didn't
know
any
writers,
but
I
love
to
read.
My
mother
always
read
to
me
and
I
knew
that
I
was
going
to
go
to
college.
D
Nobody
talked
to
me
about
what
entail
would
applying
to
college
entailed
so
I.
Just
on
my
own
I
was
sent
all
these
brochures
and
I
just
lined
them
up.
I
thought
that
you
just
picked
one
like
basically
based
on
the
brochure.
So
if
any
of
you
are
in
marketing
or
PR,
you
know
that
stuff
matters,
because
that's
how
I
picked
my
college
I
looked
at
the
pictures,
the
one
that
had
that
kind
of
least
weird-looking
people
was
the
one
I
applied
to
which
was
this
Catholic
private
university
called
st.
Thomas
in
st.
D
Paul,
Minnesota
I
applied
there
one
place
they
accepted
me
and
when
they
accepted
me
they
said
in
their
letter
one
of
the
benefits.
If
you
should
choose
to
go
here,
they
didn't
know
that
I
didn't
have
a
choice.
That
is
that
your
parents
and
grandparents
can
go
for
free,
and
my
mother
had
been
a
single
mother
with
three
kids
and
had
really
always
sacrificed
so
much
for
my
siblings
and
me
and
she
said
jokingly
well,
I've
always
wanted
to
go
to
college.
Maybe
I
should
go
with
you,
which
I
didn't
think
was
funny.
D
Would
any
of
you
at
17
have
volunteered
to
take
your
mom
to
school
with
you
I,
don't
think,
there's
anyone,
but
what
happened.
So
that
was
my
reaction.
No
way
in
hell.
Are
you
going
to
school
with
me
Mom,
but
this
other
voice
want
out
the
true
or
voice
within
me,
the
one
that's
in
all
of
us,
the
one
when
you
know
you're
gonna
do
the
right
thing
or
when
you're
going
to
do
the
wrong
thing,
and
in
this
moment
I
just
thought.
Okay,
I
want
it.
I
don't
want
to
deny
my
mother
this
opportunity.
D
So
I
said
you
can
go
to
college
with
me
under
one
condition,
and
that
is
if
we
should
encounter
each
other
on
this
small
campus,
which
will
surely
will
you
cannot
acknowledge
me
or
register
any
recognition
whatsoever
unless
I
recognize
you
it
was
like.
I
was
the
queen
or
something
and
I'm,
and
she
said
that's
fine
with
me,
and
so
we
went
to
college
together.
We
both
went
a
full
time
and
it
ended
up.
You
know:
I
lived
in
the
dorm
on
campus
and
she
commuted
three
hours
to
our
house
in
northern
Minnesota.
D
She
got
her
classes,
so
they
were
a
few
days
a
week.
She
would
stay
in
the
Twin
Cities
and
then
go
home,
and
after
that
first
year,
I
was
paying
for
my
own
college
education
with
the
help
of
loans
and
pell
grants,
and
so
thank
you,
taxpayers.
You
helped
me
get
my
education
and
so
st.
Thomas
was
too
expensive
for
me.
D
So
I
try,
you
know
pretty
quickly
realized
I
had
to
get
to
a
cheaper
school,
so
I
transferred
to
the
University
of
Minnesota,
and
my
mom
also
transferred
to
the
University
of
Minnesota
and
accepted
the
great
thing
is
there
were
two
campuses
she
went
to
Duluth
near
our
house
and
I
went
to
the
twin
cities,
so
it
came
to
be
that
on
the
Monday
of
our
Spring
Break
of
our
senior
year,
my
mom
died,
and
it
was
you
know
back
to
that
moment
of
the
world
ending.
We
had
not
only
been
mother
and
daughter.
D
D
What
we
all
go
through,
we
don't
I,
think
really
understand
our
parents,
as
as
individuals
separate
from
from
who
we
want
them
to
be
for
us,
and
so
I
was
just
starting
to
see
that
when
she
died
and
and
also
just
trying
to
go
about
the
business
of
figuring
out
who
I
was
that
we
all
do
in
our
early
20s?
What
path
am
I
going
to
take
I
was
I,
knew
I
was
going
to
be
a
writer,
but
I
didn't
know
how
really
how
to
get
there.
D
It
was
going
to
entail
a
lot
of
exploration
and
adventure
and,
in
my
grief
you
know
not
only
did
I
lose
my
mom.
It
really
suddenly
exacerbated
the
fact
that
I
didn't
have
a
dad
either
that
the
dad
I
do
have
was
an
abusive
tyrannical
person
who
was
mostly
not
in
my
life
and
still
isn't.
But
you
know
my
mother's
death.
D
Suddenly
it
just
split
all
of
that
wide
open
and
so
I
felt
myself
acutely
alone
in
the
world
and
and
I
grieve
my
mom
in
ways
that
at
the
beginning,
that
you
hope
you
grieve
someone
you
love,
which
is
with
nobility
and
and
respect
and
I
guess
a
ferocity,
that's
acceptable,
culturally
and
then
my
mom
kept
being
dead.
You
know
she
kept
being
dead
like
a
year
later
and
a
couple
years
later
and
and
and
I
and
I
couldn't
bear
it
I.
D
D
That
I
know
to
be
not
good
for
anyone,
but
in
so
many
ways
I
was
seeking,
like
I
was
really
seeking
a
cure
actually
and
in
some
ways
for
a
little
moment
that
felt
like
heroin
felt
like
it
was
going
to
be
that
thing
and
and
then
it
wasn't,
you
know,
and
then
it
was.
It
actually
led
me
to
a
deeper
harder
darker
uglier
place,
and
so
it
was
at
this
moment
that
I
had
returned
to
Minneapolis.
D
I
was
working
as
a
waitress,
it
was
the
winter
of
94
and
there
was
a
blizzard
as
there
often
is.
You
guys
feel
my
pain
on
that
I
know
and
I
went
to
rei,
I,
which
you
know.
What
rei
is?
Yes,
some
places
don't
and
so
hope
they
don't
really
know
so.
I
have
to
ask
I
went
there
to
buy
a
shovel
one
of
the
things
about
writing
about
your
life.
D
And
you
know-
because
that's
just
too
much
of
a
metaphor
but
life
hands
through
those
metaphors
I
needed
to
dig
my
truck
out
of
the
snow
but
really,
more
importantly,
I
needed
to
dig
myself
out
of
my
whole
and
I
was
standing
the
line
waiting
to
buy
this
shovel
when
I
looked
to
the
side,
I
was
killing
time
and
I
picked
up
a
book
off
of
a
shelf.
It
was
called
the
Pacific
Crest
Trail,
vol.1,
California
and
I'd
never
heard
of
the
Pacific
Crest
Trail.
D
Before
how
many
of
you
learned
about
the
Pacific
Crest
Trail,
because
you
read
wild
awesome,
I
love
that
I
love
to
perform
a
public
service
because
you
know,
what's
amazing
about
that
trail
and
all
the
national
scenic
trails
that
we
have
in
this
great
nation
is
those
are
those
belong
to
us
and
the
people
who
came
before
us
made
sure
to
protect
those
wilderness
corridors.
So
people,
like
you
know
like
knuckleheads
like
me,
could
just
go,
walk
them
and
knuckleheads
like
you
too.
D
So
if
you
ever,
you
know
it's
just
an
amazing
thing
and
I
read
the
back
of
this
book.
It
was,
I
just
turned
it
over
and
read
the
back
of
this
guidebook
and
it
said
the
Pacific
Crest
Trail
is
this
national
scenic
trail
that
goes
from
Mexico
to
Canada
through
California,
Oregon
and
Washington
up
the
crest
of
the
Sierra
Nevada
and
the
Cascade
Range
and
I.
D
Something
in
me
in
that
moment.
Just
absolutely
that
feeling
of
that
true
voice.
I
spoke
of
a
moment
ago.
Blossomed
and
I
knew
that
I
needed
to
you
know
I,
just
I
I
could
that
hair
I
was
just
oh,
the
here's.
This
magnificent
thing,
this
really
significant
grand
thing
and
here
am
I
none
of
those
things
not
even
close
to
any
of
those
things
actually
feeling
at
that
moment
of
my
life
that
I'd
completely
squandered
my
life
failed
to
be
the
woman.
My
mother
raised
me
to
be
you
know
again
in
retrospect.
D
I
can
see
so
clearly
that
I
was
hoping
to
honor
my
mother
by
failing
to
go
on
without
her,
and
that
would
in
some
way
speak
to
how
much
I
loved
her
that
I
couldn't
live
without
her,
but
but
now
I
mean
I'm
a
mom.
Now
and
I
know
you
know
what
we
want.
Our
children
to
do
without
us
is
to
thrive
and
I
failed.
At
least
at
that
moment,
I
had
failed,
and
so
I
thought.
D
Well,
maybe
if
I
just
do
this
thing,
if
I
throw
myself
in
the
direction
of
this
magnificent
thing
called
the
trail
that
I
had
not
heard
of
until
30
seconds
before
you
know,
maybe
maybe
I
can
write
my
little
ship
and
sail
on
and
so
I
did.
I
I
spent
the
next
four
or
five
months.
You
know
working
double
shifts
and
every
week
I'd
go
into
rei
with
this
wad
of
cash.
My
tips
from
waited
tables,
and
I
would
say
you
know
I'm
going
to
take
I'm
gonna
go
about
three
months
backpacking.
D
But
I
really
remembered
it.
Unlike
you,
I,
don't
know
you
am
I
the
only
one
who,
like
you,
know
something,
but
you
kind
of
like
glazed
over
and
pretend
not
to
know
something
and
then-
and
then
you
there's
this
moment
where
you
can't
you
have
you
actually
really
know
it
and
almost
always
when
I
have
that
it
entails
me
being
completely
screwed.
You
know
it's
like
okay.
Here
we
are
and
I'm
I'm
in
this
and
so
I
looked
at
that
stuff
and
I
realized.
D
I
have
never
gone
back
packing
before
and
maybe
this
you
know,
I
I,
maybe
got
ahead
of
myself
with
all
of
this,
but
I
decided.
You
know
what
could
I
do?
I
was
there
and
so
I
packed
all
my
stuff
up
and
and
one
of
the
things
too,
that
I
did,
which
was
a
note.
Those
of
you
who
haven't
read:
well,
it's
not
a
how-to
book.
So.
D
Well,
maybe
at
the
beginning
begin
in
a
place
that
is
a
little
kind
of
easier
stretch
of
trail,
because
you've
never
I
mean
you're
shooting
heroin
and
having
sex
with
everyone
and
instead
of
training.
So
so
what
I
did,
though,
is
where
I
ended
up
is
the
Mojave
Desert.
This
is
where
I
began,
and
you
know
I'm
for
the
land
of
10,000
lakes
turns
out
hardly
any
lakes
in
the
Mojave
Desert,
so
that
first
day
I
had
to
carry
24
and
a
half
pounds
of
water.
D
Okay,
so
and
then,
in
addition
to
everything
else,
people
always
ask
well
how
much
did
your
back
way?
The
one
thing
I
didn't
bring
on
my
trip
was
a
scale
so
I
don't
know,
but
I'm
going
to
guess,
75
or
80
pounds.
It
was
incredibly
heavy.
It
was
like
as
heavy
as
the
stage
I
think,
but
well
anyway,
here's
what
happened
when
I
got
the
pack
packed,
I'm
just
going
to
read
you
a
little
brief
passage.
D
Finally,
can
everyone
hear
me?
Finally,
when
everything
I
was
going
to
carry
was
into
place
that
I
needed
to
carry
it
a
hush
came
over
me,
I
was
ready
to
begin
I
looked
at
my
pack.
It
was
at
once
enormous
and
compact
mildly
adorable
and
intimidatingly
self-contained.
It
had
an
animal
quality
in
its
company.
I
didn't
feel
entirely
alone
standing.
It
came
up
to
my
waist
I,
gripped
it
and
bent
to
lift
it.
It
wouldn't
budge.
I
squatted
and
grasped
its
frame
more
robustly
and
tried
to
lift
it
again
again.
D
It
did
not
move
not
even
an
inch.
I
tried
to
lift
it
with
both
hands
with
my
legs
braced
beneath
me,
while
attempting
to
wrap
it
in
a
bear
hug
with
all
of
my
might
and
my
breath,
and
my
will
with
everything
in
me
and
still
it
would
not
come,
it
was
exactly
like
attempting
to
lift
a
Volkswagen
Beetle.
It
looks
so
cute
so
ready
to
be
lifted,
and
yet
it
was
impossible
to
do.
I
sat
down
on
the
floor
beside
it
and
pondered
my
situation.
D
How
could
I
carry
a
backpack
more
than
a
thousand
miles
over
rugged
mountains
and
waterless
deserts?
If
I
couldn't
even
budget
an
inch
in
an
air-conditioned
motel
room,
the
notion
was
preposterous
and
yet
I
had
to
lift
that
pack.
It
hadn't
occurred
to
me
that
I
wouldn't
be
able
to
I'd
simply
thought
that
if
I
added
up
all
the
things
I
needed
in
order
to
go
backpacking,
it
would
equal
a
weight
that
I
could
carry
the
people
at
rei.
It
was
true.
I
had
mentioned
weight
rather
often
in
their
soliloquies.
D
But
I
hadn't
paid
attention,
I
thought
about
what
I
might
take
out
of
the
pack,
but
each
item
struck
me
as
either
so
obviously
needed
or
so
in
case
of
emergency
necessary
that
I
didn't
dare
remove
it.
I
would
have
to
try
to
carry
that
pack
as
it
was.
I
scooted
over
the
carpet
and
situated
myself
on
my
rump
right
in
front
of
my
pack
wolf,
my
arms
through
the
shoulder
straps
and
clipped
the
sternum
strap
across
my
chest.
D
I
took
a
deep
breath
and
began
rocking
back
and
forth
and
back
and
forth
to
gain
momentum
until
I.
Finally
hurled
myself
forward
with
everything
in
me
and
got
myself
unto
my
hands
and
knees.
My
backpack
was
no
longer
on
the
floor
and
was
officially
attached
to
me.
It
still
seemed
like
a
Volkswagen
Beetle.
Only
now
it
seemed
like
a
Volkswagen
Beetle
that
was
parked
on
my
back.
I
stayed
there
for
a
few
moments,
trying
to
get
my
balance
slowly.
D
I
worked
my
feet
beneath
me,
while
simultaneously
scaling
the
metal
coolin
unit
attached
to
the
wall
with
my
hands
until
I
was
vertical
enough.
That
I
could
do
a
dead,
lift
the
frame
of
the
pack
squeaked,
as
I
rose
it
to
straining
from
the
tremendous
weight
by
the
time
I
was
standing,
which
is
to
say
hunching.
In
a
remotely
upright
position.
I
was
holding
the
vented
metal
panel
that
I'd
accidentally
ripped
loose
from
the
cooling
unit.
I
couldn't
even
begin
to
reattach
it.
D
The
place
that
needed
to
go
was
only
inches
out
of
my
reach,
but
those
inches
were
entirely
out
of
the
question.
I
propped
the
panel
against
the
wall,
buckled
my
hip
belt
and
staggered
and
swayed
around
the
room.
My
center
of
gravity
pulled
in
any
direction,
I
so
much
as
leaned
the
weight
Doug
painfully
into
the
tops
of
my
shoulders.
So
I
cinched,
my
hip
belt,
tighter
and
tighter
still
trying
to
balance
the
burden,
squeezing
my
middle
so
tightly
that
my
flesh,
ballooned
out
on
either
side,
which
we
all
know
is
a
fantastic
look.
C
D
Pack
rose
up
like
a
mantle
behind
me
towering
several
inches
above
my
head
and
gripped
me
like
a
vise
all
the
way
down
to
my
tailbone.
It
felt
pretty
awful,
and
yet
perhaps
this
was
how
it
felt
to
be
a
backpacker
I
didn't
know.
I
only
knew
that
it
was
time
to
go
so
I
opened
the
door
and
stepped
into
the
light.
D
Thank
you
so
began
rather
inauspiciously.
Not
the
way
one
would
would
hope
to
begin,
but
you
know
it
was.
It
was
all
those
years.
All
these
years
later,
a
lot
of
times
people
will
say.
Okay,
you
took
the
hike
in
95.
The
book
was
published
in
2012.
Iii
began.
Writing
it
in
2008.
You
know,
why
did
you
wait
to
write
the
book?
Why
why
all
these
years
in
between
and
the
answer
is
I
didn't
wait.
You
know
wild
is
not
a
report
of
a
hike.
D
Wild
is
a
story
about
what
it
means
to
be
human
really
and
I.
Think
that
one
of
the
things
I
felt
really
clearly
was
that
until
I
really
had
something
to
say
about
the
hike
I
wasn't
going
to
write
the
book
of
the
hike,
I
I
didn't
you
know,
take
the
biggest
hike
anyone's
ever
took
or
the
hardest
grandest
adventure.
The
deal
isn't
like
look
at
me.
I
did
this
amazing
thing
the
deal
is
I
took
this
trip.
That
was
amazing
to
me
and
here's
what
I
have
to
say
about
it?
D
D
You
know
that
you're
stuck
in
a
room
with
a
pack,
you
can't
lift
and
you
have
to
lift
it
and
walk
out
the
door,
and
that
was
really
when
I
wrote
the
physicality
of
that
scene.
Just
that
was
a
very
physical
moment.
I
realized
that
psychically.
That
was
exactly
what
I
was
contending
with
on
the
trip
it
was.
The
reason
I
took.
D
The
trip
is
to
figure
out
how
to
bear
the
world
without
my
mom,
and
that
was
sort
of
the
question
at
the
core
of
that
journey
and
at
the
core
of
out
of
this
book
and
I,
think
that
I
tried
to
expand
the
question.
How
do
how
do
we
all
do
that?
And
so
when
I
wrote
that
scene
I
thought
okay,
I
do
have
a
story
to
tell
so
I
went
onward
into
my
journey.
It
was
harder
than
I
thought.
D
It
would
be
a
little
bit
a
little
bit
so
I'll
read
a
little
another
snippet
just
to
give
you
a
taste,
the
the
beginning
of
my
hike.
This
is
when
I
first
took
those
first
steps.
The
trail
headed
east
parallel
in
the
highway
for
a
while
dipping
down
into
rocky
washes
and
back
up
again
I'm
hiking
I
thought
and
then
I'm
hiking
on
the
Pacific
Crest
Trail.
It
was
this
very
act
of
hiking
that
had
been
at
the
heart
of
my
belief
that
such
a
trip
was
a
reasonable
endeavor.
D
D
I
began
panting
and
sweating
immediately
dust
caking,
my
boots
and
calves,
as
the
trail
turned
north
and
began
to
climb
rather
than
undulate.
Each
step
was
at
oil
as
I
ascended,
higher
and
higher
still
interrupted
only
by
the
occasional
short
descent,
which
was
not
so
much
a
break
in
the
hell,
as
it
was
a
new
kind
of
hell,
because
I
had
to
brace
myself
against
each
step.
D
Less
gravity's
pull
caused
me
with
my
tremendous
uncontrollable
wait
to
catapult
forward
and
fall
I
felt
like
the
pack
was
not
so
much
too
attached
to
me
as
me
to
it,
like
I
was
a
building
with
limbs,
unmoored
from
my
foundation,
careening
through
the
wilderness
within
40
minutes.
The
voice
inside
my
head
was
screaming.
What
have
I
gotten
myself
into
I
tried
to
ignore
it
to
homme
as
I
hiked.
D
The
humming
proved
too
difficult
to
do,
while
also
panting
and
moaning
in
agony
and
trying
to
remain
hunched
in
that
remotely
upright
position,
while
also
propelling
myself
forward
when
I
felt
like
a
building
with
legs.
So
then
I
tried
to
simply
concentrate
on
what
I
heard
my
feet:
thudding
against
the
dry
and
rocky
trail.
The
brittle
leaves
and
branches
of
the
low
line.
Bushes
I
passed
clattering
and
the
hot
wind,
but
it
could
not
be
done.
The
clamor
of
what
have
I
gotten
myself
into
was
a
mighty
shout.
It
could
not
be
drowned
out.
D
The
only
possible
distraction
was
my
vigilant
search
for
rattlesnakes
I
expected
one
around
every
Bend
ready
to
strike
the
landscape
was
made
for
them.
It
seemed,
and
also
for
mountain
lions
and
wilderness
savvy
serial
killers,
but
I
wasn't
thinking
of
them.
It
was
a
deal
I'd
made
with
myself
months
before,
and
the
only
thing
that
allowed
me
to
hike
alone
I
knew
that
if
I
allowed,
my
fear
to
overtake
me,
my
journey
was
doomed.
D
Fear,
to
a
great
extent
is
born
of
a
story
we
tell
ourselves
and
so
I
chose
to
tell
myself
a
different
story
from
the
one
women
are
told:
I
decided
I
was
safe,
I
was
strong,
I
was
brave.
Nothing
could
vanquish
me
insisting
on
this
story
was
a
form
of
mind
control,
but
for
the
most
part
it
worked
every
time,
I
heard
a
sound
of
unknown
origin
or
felt
something
horrible
Co
hearing
and
my
imagination
I
pushed
it
away.
D
C
D
Thank
you,
so
I
was
working
too
hard
to
be
afraid.
I
was
also
working
too
hard
to
to,
in
some
ways
get
get
lost
again,
and
so
many
of
the
things
that
brought
me
out
there
I
went
on
the
hike
seeking
spiritual,
Redemption
and
emotional
healing
and
I
got
out
there
and
I
had
a
very
physical
experience.
I
imagined
myself,
you
know
doing
that.
D
That
thing
we
imagined
in
the
in
nature,
where
it
kind
of
has
that
soundtrack
that
you
hear
when
you're
getting
a
massage,
you
know
and
I'm,
it's
all
very
lovely
and
the
sunset
you
never
like,
imagine
being
swarmed
by
mosquitoes
or
you
know,
but
I
got
out
there
and
I
realized.
This
is
hard
and,
and
and
I
can
do
it.
I
can
do
this,
even
though
it's
really
hard
and
I'm
going
to
keep
doing
it
and
it
was
it
has
his
accumulation,
the
cumulative
power
people
always
say
well.
D
What
was
the
aha
moment
on
the
trail,
and
there
wasn't
one.
The
aha
moment
was
every
humble,
simple,
ordinary
day
of
continuing
to
move
forward
and
those
things
have
a
way
of
building
on
one
another
and
equaling.
Something
much
greater
than
a
single
day
and
and
and
that
was
really
powerful
to
feel
like
okay,
I
can
do
this,
even
though
I'm
absolutely
an
idiot
and
there's
no
I
mean
I,
made
all
these
mistakes
as
a
backpacker
and
a
human
and
yet,
and
yet
you
know,
I
also
could
then
learn
from
them.
D
I've
always
been
somebody
who
learned
best
the
hard
way,
like
probably
most
of
us
and
so
pushing
myself
outside
that
comfort,
comfort
zone,
physically
suffering
physically
ended
up
being
in
some
ways,
an
enactment
of
that
emotional
suffering
and
and
and
really
changing
my
life
and
and
and
this
isn't
I
wanted
to
tell
the
story
of
real
transformation,
not
the
Hollywood
version
of
how
we
change
it.
Wasn't
as
if
began,
the
hike
and
I
was
like
Charles
Manson
and
then
I
ended
and
I
was
the
Buddha.
D
You
know,
I
was
basically
me,
I
was
me
all
along
there.
Was
there
isn'ta
there's
a
younger
self
just
like
there
was
a
younger
self
for
all
of
you,
but
it's
the
same
self.
You
know
you
would
have
liked
me
back.
Then
you
would
have
thought.
I
was
a
little
bit
up.
You
might
still
think
I'm
a
little
bit,
I
sort
of
am
but
aren't
we
all
you
know
and
I'm
I
was
more
so
then
and
I
was
sadder.
It
was
harder
and
I
sort
of
got
myself
it
this.
D
D
you
you
have
to
face
that
page
every
day,
and
so
that
really
helped
me
write
my
first
book,
which
is
this
novel
torch
and
and
then
I
turn
my
attention
to
wild
and
wrote
wild
and
when
I
finished
the
first
draft
of
wild.
I
finished
the
first
big
draft
februari
of
2010
and
as
there
was
this
moment
in
a
writer's
life,
you
send
it
off
into
the
the
universe.
D
To
your
editor
and
you're
waiting
for
your
editor
to
come
back
with
all
these
notes,
saying
you
know
all
the
things
you
need
to
change
and
fix
and
revise
and
reconsider-
and
you
know
about
your
book,
but
there
was
this
glorious
sense
of
like
I,
have
done
this
big
thing:
I've,
climbed
this
mountain
and
into
my
inbox.
In
this
in
this
ecstatic
state
I
got
an
email
from
the
writer
Steve
Almond
I,
don't
know
if
any
of
you
are
familiar
with
Steve
Almond
he's
fendt
stick.
D
You
should
have
him
here
and
if
he
comes,
you
should
pack
the
room
like
this
because
he's
a
lot
more
handsome
than
me
and
a
funnier,
but
he
said
I'm
doing
this
thing.
I'm
writing
this
column
anonymously.
It's
an
advice,
column
called
dear
sugar.
Writing
for
this
new
website
called
the
rumpus
and
I've
been
doing
it
intermittently.
It
doesn't
pay
anything.
It
doesn't
really
have
a
following
I'm,
not
really
interested
in
doing
it.
D
Would
you
like
to
take
it
over
and
since
that
essentially
described
my
entire
career
up
until
very
recently,
I
was
like
sure
you
know,
I'll
do
that
and
I
didn't
I.
Just
sort
of
stumbled
into
it,
I
hadn't,
been
a
connoisseur
of
the
advice,
column
and
I
had
never
even
taken
psychology
101
nor
gone
to
therapy
myself,
except
for
a
couple
times
that
I
right
about
him.
D
Wild,
but
I
realized
pretty
quickly
that
that,
essentially,
all
my
work
as
a
writer
had
actually
prepared
me
for
this
role,
because
what
do
writers
do
but
pay
really
close
attention
to
people
and
humans
to
build
a
character
or
Eric
to
even
write
the
self
on
the
page?
You
have
to
be
willing
to
understand
and
see
all
the
complexities
and
contradictions
and
to
really
take
those
things
apart.
Who
are
we
really?
Who
are?
We
really
is
the
question
of
you
know
all
writers
essentially,
and
so
what
happened
with
sugar
is
these
people
were.
Writing
me.
D
These
letters
and
I
was
getting
this
opportunity
to
write
them
back
about
what
I
thought
about
their
situation
and
I
decided
that
I
would
not
be
bound
by
the
form
that
I
was
going
to
put
everything
into
this.
The
whole
force
of
my
humanity
and
my
everything
I
knew
is
a
writer.
I
was
going
to
write
really
deeply
into
these
things,
and
so
I
did
and
and
I
can't
I
did
it
anonymously.
I
always
knew
that
someday.
D
My
name
would
be
on
them,
and
I
came
out
as
sugar
last
year
right
before
wild
came
out
on
Valentine's
Day
in
San
Francisco.
If
you're
going
to
come
out
anywhere,
do
it
in
San
Francisco
they'll
accept
you
for
whoever
you
are
and
I
loved
that
you
no
experience
of
got
moving
from
from
being
somebody.
Nobody
knew
to
be
sugars
me
so
I'm.
Those
columns
were
collected
last
summer
into
the
collection,
tiny
beautiful
things,
not
all
of
the
columns,
but
many
them,
and
so
I
thought
I'd
close
tonight.
D
Before
we
get
to
your
questions
and
please
write
your
questions
down.
If
you
have
them,
I
thought
it
goes
with
one
of
the
shorter
columns
in
the
book.
It's
the
title,
column
called
tiny,
beautiful
things.
How
many
of
you
in
here
are
familiar
with
sugar?
Okay?
So
a
lot
of
you.
This
is
new
one
of
the
challenges
of
tiny,
beautiful
things
and
the
sugar
column
is
most
people
say
what
I
would
have
said
if
I
had
seen
the
book,
and
that
is
well
I'm,
not
interested
in
advice
columns.
D
D
Don't
think
tier
Abby
had
harley-davidson
motorcycle
boots,
for
example,
but
she
would
looked
awesome
in
them.
Ok,
a
dear
sugar
I
read
your
column,
religiously
I'm
22
from
what
I
can
tell
by
your
writing
you're
in
your
early
40s.
My
question
is
short
and
sweet.
What
would
you
tell
your
twenty-something
self
if
you
could
talk
to
her
now,
love
seeking
wisdom,
dear
seeking
wisdom,
stop
worrying
about
whether
you're
fat
you're,
not
fat,
or
rather
your
sometimes
a
little
bit
fat,
but
who
gives.
D
There's
you
guys
are
so
fun.
There
is
nothing
more
boring
and
fruitless
than
a
woman
lamenting
the
fact
that
her
stomach
is
round
feed
yourself.
Literally,
the
sort
of
people
worthy
of
your
love
will
love
you
more
for
this
sweet
pea
in
the
middle
of
the
night.
In
the
middle
of
your
20s,
when
your
best
woman
friend
crawls
naked
into
your
bed,
straddle
you
and
says
you
should
run
away
from
me
before
I
devour,
you
believe
her.
D
You
are
not
a
terrible
person
for
wanting
to
break
up
with
someone.
You
love,
you
don't
need
a
reason
to
leave.
One
team
to
leave
is
enough,
leaving
doesn't
mean
you're,
incapable
of
real
love
or
that
you'll
never
love
anyone
else.
Again.
It
doesn't
mean
you're,
morally
bankrupt
or
psychologically
demented
or
nymphomaniac.
It
means
you
wish
to
change
the
terms
of
one
particular
relationship.
That's
all
be
brave
enough
to
break
your
own
heart
when
that
really
sweet,
but
up
gay
couple
invites
you
over
to
their
cool
apartment.
To
do
ecstasy
with
them
say
no.
D
There
are
some
things
you
can't
understand,
yet
your
life
will
be
a
great
and
continuous
unfolding.
It's
good
you've
worked
hard
to
resolve
childhood
issues
well
in
your
20s,
but
understand
that
what
you
resolve
will
need
to
be
resolved.
Again
and
again,
you
will
come
to
know
things
that
can
only
be
known
with
the
wisdom
of
age
and
the
grace
of
years.
Most
of
those
things
will
have
to
do
with
forgiveness.
D
One
evening
you
will
be
rolling
around
on
the
wooden
floor
of
your
apartment
with
a
man
who
will
tell
you
he
doesn't
have
a
condom.
You
will
smile
in
this
spunky
way
that
you
think
is
hot
and
tell
him
to
go
ahead
anyway.
This
will
be
a
mistake
for
which
you
alone
will
pay,
don't
lament
so
much
about
how
your
career
is
going
to
turn
out.
You
don't
have
a
career,
you
have
a
life,
do
the
work,
keep
the
faith
be
true.
Blue,
keep
writing
and
quit
your
bitching.
Your
book
has
a
birthday.
D
D
Most
things
will
be
okay
eventually,
but
not
everything
will
be
sometimes
you'll,
put
up
a
good
fight
and
lose
sometimes
you'll
hold
on
really
hard
and
realize.
There's
no
choice
but
to
let
go.
Acceptance
is
a
small
quiet
room
one
hot
afternoon
during
the
era
in
which
you've
gotten
yourself
ridiculously
tangled
up
with
heroin,
you
will
be
riding
the
bus
and
thinking
what
a
worthless
piece
of
crap
you
are
when
a
little
girl
will
get
on
the
bus
holding
the
strings
of
two
purple
balloons.
D
She'll
offer
you
one
of
the
balloons,
but
you
won't
take
it
because
you
believe
you
no
longer
have
a
right
to
such
tiny,
beautiful
things.
You're
wrong.
You
do.
Your
assumptions
about
the
lives
of
others
are
in
direct
relation
to
your
naive
pomposity.
Many
people,
you
believe
to
be
rich
are
not
rich.
Many
people,
you
think,
have
it
easy
worked
hard
for
what
they
got.
D
Many
people
who
seem
to
be
gliding
right
along
have
suffered
and
are
suffering
many
people
who
appear
to
you
to
be
old
and
stupidly
settled
down
with
kids
and
cars
and
houses,
or
once
every
bit
as
hip
and
pompous
as
you
when
you
meet
a
man
in
the
doorway
of
a
Mexican
restaurant
who
later
kisses
you
while
explaining
that
this
kiss
doesn't
mean
anything
because
much
as
he
likes
you
he's
not
interested
in
having
a
relationship
with
you
or
anyone
right
now,
just
laugh
and
kiss
him
back.
Your
daughter
will
have
his
sense
of
humor.
D
These
things
are
your
becoming
one
Christmas
at
the
very
beginning
of
your
20s,
when
your
mother
gives
you
a
warm
coat
that
she
saved
four
months
to
buy,
don't
look
at
her
skeptically
after
she
tells
you
she
thought
the
coat
was
perfect
for
you,
don't
hold
it
up
and
say
it's
longer
than
you
like
your
coats
to
be
and
too
puffy,
and
possibly
even
to
warm
your
mother
will
be
dead
by
spring.
That
coat
will
be
the
last
gift
she
gave
you.
A
Guys
do
you
guys
see
what
I
mean
just
crying
and
crying
at
this?
Advise
okay,
so
Jan's
gonna
come
around
and
grab
questions
and
hand
them
off
to
me
and
I.
I
will
ask
remember
too
that
if
you'd
ok
remember
to
if
you,
if
you'd
like
to
tweet
your
question,
hashtag
d,
MPL
avid
we're
going
to
kick
it
off
with
the
question
that
every
memoir
writer
is
going
to
have
to
answer
from
here
on
out
it's
the
James
Frey
question
other
than
names
of
people.
Are
there
any
fictional
parts
to
the
book,
wild.
D
Right
essentially,
and
as
I
said
in
the
author's
note,
I
changed
the
names
of
some
of
the
people
in
the
book
and
others
not
and
my
criteria,
for
that
was
you
know
if
I
could
ask
somebody,
do
you
want
me
to
use
your
real
name
or
make
up
a
name?
I
did
that
and
that's
you
know
a
really
common
practice
in
memoir,
writing
and
I.
Don't
see
it
as
so
much
a
fictional
device
as
a
one
that
allows
people
to
protect
their
privacy.
You
know
if
they
don't
want
to
be
like
yeah.
D
That's
me
in
the
book
and,
of
course,
most
people.
Actually,
if
I
asked
them,
they
said
yes,
but
some
people
were
like
oh
they're
little
shy
or
you
know
so
there
was
that
Shield
of
privacy
I
didn't
create
any
composite
characters.
Everyone
in
the
book
is
an
actual
person
who
I
met
on
the
trail,
and
is
you
know
what
I
wrote
about
them
is
the
way
I
perceive
them
and-
and
there
I
think,
is
where
memoir
steps
in
and
gets
complicated
for
people,
because
you
know
a
memoir.
D
You
are
certainly
in
my
case
I'm,
certainly
striving
for
fairness,
but
I'm,
but
I'm
my
main
allegiances,
subjectivity,
and
by
that
I
mean
I'm
telling
this
story.
You
know
deeply
from
my
perspective.
Nobody
has.
Nobody
in
the
book
has
complained
about
what
I
wrote
about
them,
which
I
think
is
really
amazing,
except
for
one
person,
okay
and
he
had
a
tiny
quibble.
It's
it's
this
man
who
I
actually
wrote
very
nicely
about.
He
and
his
wife
took
me
in
a.
D
Let
me
take
a
shower
and
gave
me
a
sandwich
and
I
wrote
about
essentially
how
I
kind
of
wanted
them
to
be.
Like
my
parents-
and
he
said
you
made
us-
seem
really
bhuj
wha
Adam
and
he
was
like
upset
and
then
I
had
to
write
him
back
and
say.
Well,
here's
the
debt
thing
is
that's
what
I
thought
of
you.
You
know
I,
you
have
to
remember
who
I
was
I.
Was
this
20-something
punk
who
yeah
anyone
who
had
like
a
nice
summer?
D
Cabin-
and
you
know
you
know
organic-
have
already
in
the
refrigerator
was
bajwa.
You
know
and
I
was
like
and
if
it's
any
comfort
a
whole
bunch
of
20-somethings
would
come
to
my
house
and
see
me
in
that
way
to
it
wasn't
a
judgment
it
was
who
I
was
then
looking
at
who
they
were.
Then
you
know
to
me,
and
so
the
other
piece
of
it
is
in
memoir
what
you're
doing
is
you're
creating.
D
You
know
these
this
story
based
these
were
actual
things
that
happen
to
me
objectively,
and
I
want
to
tell
you
vividly
the
story
as
I
remember
it,
and
so
what
that
entails.
Is
me
actually
telling
you
like
the
way
that
the
grandmother
on
the
porch
would
tell
you
the
way
she
remembers
this
this
story,
and
so
you
know
if
I
say
that
the
wind
blew
that
his
this
man's
hair
across
his
face.
As
he
said
this
to
me,
if
there
were
a
camera
there
with
the
wind
have
blown
his
hair
across
his
face.
D
At
that
moment,
I
do
not
know,
but
I
do
know
that.
That's
how
I
remember
it,
and
so
that's
how
I
felt
free
to
write
about
it
with
a
sort
of
authority
of
you
know,
step
closer.
I'm
going
to
tell
you
about
this.
This
experience
I'm
going
to
move
forward,
so
you
guys
can
see
me.
I
guess
there's
people
all
around,
so
it
doesn't
matter.
Okay,
yeah!
I'm.
D
D
D
You're,
immediately
natick
I've
used
pretty
much
every
kind
of
drug
there
is
and
never
got
addicted,
but
certainly
with
heroin
I
was
becoming,
you
know,
I
was
becoming
addicted
and
I
was
pulled
away
at
that
moment
that
it
was
essentially
so
possible.
For
me,
it
was
before
I
developed
a
physical
addiction,
and
so
then
it
became
this
thing.
Essentially
it
was
like
recreational
use.
D
That
was,
you
know,
really
not
very
fun
was
actually
a
very
like
I
said
it
led
to
really
horrible
things
in
my
life
you
know,
but
I
didn't
I
didn't
do
it
enough
over
a
long
enough
period
to
get
addicted
and
I.
Also
just
was
lucky
enough
that
I
wasn't
one
of
those
people
who
used
you
know
like
there
were.
There
was
like
a
couple
months
where
I
was
reusing.
It
very
regularly
and
some
people
would
have
that
experience
go
completely
down
the
rabbit
hole
of
addiction.
D
Like
my
ex-boyfriend
did
the
guy
write
about
in
the
book
who
I
called
Joe,
he
you
know
was
a
heroin
addict
for
seven
years
after
that
time
that
I
met
him.
He
had
just
started
using
when
I
met
him,
so
it
is
one
of
those
things
that
you
know
you
can
use
certain
drugs
and
not
become
an
addict,
but
that
doesn't
mean
you.
You
want
to
test
that
theory.
You
know
any.
D
Three
young
bucks,
yeah
well
Rick,
the
guy
that
the
the
buck
that
I
had
that
you
know
almost
you
know
thing
with.
He
became
my
dear
friend
of
mine
and
in
those
books
that
those
are
their
real
names.
They
were,
they
were
among
the
people
who
are
like
yeah,
you
can
use
our
real
names,
and
so
it
was
so
funny
Rick.
What
happened
is
we
became
good
friends
and
I
met
my
man
who's
down
my
husband,
nine
days
after
I
finished
my
hike
so
by
the
time
Rick
got
to
Portland
after
his
hike.
D
He
called
me
up
and
we
went
out
a
few
times,
but
I
was
dating
Brian,
who
then
I
married
like
four
years
later
so
Rick
and
I,
just
you
know,
became
friends,
and
so
all
these
years
later,
I'm
writing
this
scene
about
art,
my
attraction
to
him
and
my
perceived
my
perception
of
his
attraction
to
me
and
you
know,
lie
in
the
back
of
that
pickup
truck
and
everything
and
he's.
I
didn't
vet
the
book
with
anyone,
but
he's
the
one
person
that
I
thought.
Oh
my
god,
what?
D
If
I'm
completely
mistaken
about
this
and
and
he's
like
you
know,
Cheryl
I
didn't
feel
that
way
at
all,
and
in
fact
I'm
gay
you
know
I
would
just
I
would
just
be
mortified.
You
know
so
I
said
brick.
This
is
so
embarrassing,
but
did
you
have
any?
You
know
feelings
for
me
back
in
1995
when
we
met
and
he
emailed
me
back
immediately.
There
was
one
of
those
things
for
you
know
you
get
this
like
long
email.
He
was
like.
Oh
my
God
he's
like
step
by
step.
You
know
tortured
like
and
I'm.
D
He
remembered
everything
you
know
exactly
the
way.
I
remembered
it
and
he
was
like.
Why
didn't
you
kiss
me?
I,
never
understood
you
know,
and
so
we
processed
it
all
these
years,
like
that,
my
husband
was
highly
amused,
highly,
not
amused,
but
so
we're
friends
and
then
Richie
who's,
the
other
one
of
the
other
run.
Young
bucks
he's
truly
one
of
the
most
unique
people
I've
ever
met
in
my
life.
If
you
go
on
my
website
and
there's
a
picture
of
a
man,
who's
holding
a
rattlesnake,
that's
Richie
and
that's
a
wild
rattlesnake
every
snake.
D
They
encountered
I'm,
he
on
the
trail.
He
would
charm
it
and
pick
it
up
and
he
lives
in
New
Orleans.
He
grew
up
in
New
Orleans
and
he
stayed
there
through
Katrina
and
saved
people's
lives
and
was
written
about
the
new
york
times.
He
said,
there's
a
quote
of
him
saying
something
like
I'm
staying
as
long
as
the
weed
doesn't
run
out,
I'm
sure.
D
So
that
tells
you
Richie,
but
he
wrote
me
a
letter.
He
doesn't
have
email,
that's
how
weird
he
is
and
he
wrote
me
an
actual
letter
and
he
said
I
just
want
to
thank
you
for
portraying
us
so
accurately
in
wild
he's
like
when
I
think
of
myself
back
then
I
think
of
myself
as
a
as
it
handsome
and
studly
man
too.
So.
A
D
Nobody
would
give
me
a
credit
card,
I,
don't
think
yeah
I,
you
know
I
I.
This
was
just
yeah.
No,
actually
all
my
credit
cards
had
been.
You
know
we
I
would
had
always
been
broke
and
I
had
this
huge
financial
art
student
loan
debt
I
paid
off
my
bachelor's
degree,
I
turned
44
in
September
on
my
birthday,
I
paid
off
my
bachelor's
degree,
my
student
loans.
So
thank
you
yeah.
All
those
years
I
was
paying
at
this
mountain
of
debt
and
I'm
and
I
just
didn't.
Nobody
would
give
me
a
credit
card.
A
D
I
wish
I'm
going
to
see
a
list.
One
thing
I
want
to
say
about
the
money
thing
that
I
think
is
really
kind
of
important
is
a
lot
of
times.
People
will
say
well,
why
didn't
you
take
more
money?
You
know,
as
if
I
had
some
secret
account
that
I
just
didn't
want
to
tap
into
and
I'm.
You
know,
I
took
all
the
money
I
had
and
one
of
the
great
Liberation's
of
growing
up
the
way.
I
did
you
know
I
always
had
this
kind
of
chip.
D
What
it
gave
me
was
actually
the
ability
to
to
have
confidence
that
I
could
move
freely
through
the
world
and
do
what
I
wanted
to
do
without
needing
money.
To
give
me
permission
to
do
it
and
also
that
I
didn't
need
as
big
of
a
cushion
as
is
recommended.
You
know,
I
didn't
need
a
cushion
at
all
and
their
way
I
knew
that
as
I
watched,
my
mom
do
this.
D
You
know
this
whole
thing,
my
whole
childhood
without
a
cushion,
and
so
it
gave
me
actually
a
sense
of
freedom
and
resilience
and
I
you
know,
can
dunas
and
I
didn't
have
enough
money,
because
I
did
the
trip
right.
I
just
didn't
have
enough
money
to
get
everything.
I
wanted
and
sometimes
having
not
enough
money
made
me
uncomfortable
and-
and
you
know,
I
was
a
full
of
longing,
but
I
got
to
do
what
I
wanted
to
do
in
a
bigger
way.
So
I
had
plenty
of
money.
C
D
D
On
buying,
like
California
now
has
been
broken
up
into
two
months.
How
are
you
so
big
now
zoo
and
their
zoo
porn
in
Washington
and
they
do
exist
and
there's
still
the
Bible
of
the
trail?
Everyone
who
hikes
the
PCT
buys
that
book
from
that
press,
wilderness
press
and
many
many
many
people
have
gone
and
bought
the
book
because
of
wild
and
I.
Think
I
know
that
I've
helped
a
lot
of
people
lose
a
lot
of
toenails
because
they
have.
They
have
written
to
me
and
told
me
about
their
adventures.
It's
gross
yeah.
D
D
D
You
know
that
that
has
yet
to
be
determined
and
what's
funny
is
so
those
of
you
read
the
book
ed.
The
trail
angel
who
you
know
was
at
the
Kennedy
Meadows
camp,
where
I
dumped
those
condoms
he's
the
guy,
like
the
latest
suspect
somebody
suggested
him
to
be
I'd
written
him
off,
but
what's
funny
is
I
met.
I
ran
into
at
again,
I
was
on
my
book
tour
last
summer
and
I
was
in
Los
Angeles
and
there
was
this
elderly
gentleman
in
the
front
row
and
every
time
I
kind
of
glanced
up.
D
He
would
you
know
in
the
middle
of
my
reading,
and
he
would
make
this
he's.
You
know
animated
gestures
with
his
face
and
until
he
finally
just
stopped
the
reading
and
was
like
what
do
you
want?
You
know
who
and-
and
he
said,
Cheryl
it's
ed
and
it
was
Ed
who
I
had
not
seen.
You
know
all
those
for
all
those
years
and
he
opens
up
his
bag
and
he
pulls
out.
My
foldable
saw
that
I
had
dumped
at
the
I
had
brought
his
saw.
D
You
know
just
in
case
I
wanted
to
cut
down
any
trees
or
anything
along
the
way,
and
so
he
said
he
gave
it
to
me
and
I
was
like.
Oh
my
gosh,
it's
my
say:
cuz
I've
had
its
all
these
years.
Every
time
I
look
at
it
I
think
of
you
and
I'm,
and
he
gave
to
me
that
I
realized
well
I'm
on
my
book.
Tour
and
I
was
only
taking
carry
on
and
the
TSA
won't.
Let
you
take
a
saw
so
I
had
to
give
it
back
to
him.
D
D
A
D
So
but
I
I
looked
I
looked
when
I
was
when
I
was
writing
the
book
and
didn't
find
anything,
and
in
fact
it
didn't
even
find
like
you.
I
did
find
an
excerpt
in
Harper's
from
the
hobo
times,
but
but
couldn't
really
ever
definitively
find
like
if
the
paper
still
exists
or
whatever.
So,
who
knows?
Who
knows
who
that
Joker
was.
A
D
B
A
D
I've
done
both
of
those
things
and
we
hiked
all
the
time.
My
kids
are
seven
and
eight,
so
we
haven't
really
gone
backpacking.
We're
going
to
do
that
this
summer.
It's
just
hard
to
to
really
go
into
the
you
know,
backwoods
with
little
kids,
because
with
little
kids
like
every
day
is
like
camping.
You
know,
like
you,
go
to
the
grocery
store.
D
You've
got
to
pack
so
much
gear,
it's
like
amazing,
but
but
we
hike
and
its
really
great
and
I
want
to
say
to
any
of
you
who
have
little
kids
to
just
encourage
you
to
get
your
kids
out
there,
like
my
kids,
what
they
always
just
like.
Oh,
we
don't
want
to
hike
and
there
they
you
know
they're,
they're,
complaining
and
whining,
and
then
the
minute
we
get
out
there.
They
just
go
into
that
other
mode
where
they're
exploring
and
running
around
and
throwing
rocks
in
the
creek.
D
And
it's
a
wonderful
thing,
and
so
we
I
would
love
to
do
the
whole
trail
with
my
family.
Once
the
my
husband
and
I
think
that
there's
going
to
be
this
magic
moment,
our
kids
are
18
months
apart.
So
they're
going
to
be
like
this
magic
moment
where
they're
strong
enough
and
big
enough
and
old
enough
to
go
backpacking,
but
they
haven't
yet
into
this
early
teenage
years
and
I'm.
So
there
was
going
to
be
like
this
two
week
period
where
we
can
get
them
yeah
yep.
A
A
A
A
Off
an
email
all
right
in
wild
I
found
the
horse
seen
especially
excruciating
to
imagine
it
was
so
very
sad
what
was
it
like
to
write
it
and
in
a
bigger
picture?
What's
it
like
to
write
in
a
such
a
wide,
open
manner,
I
mean
you
have
to
just
be
sweating
and
exhausted
on
the
floor
at
night,
when
you
shut
the
computer
yeah.
D
This
or
the
scene
about
my
mother's
horse,
lady,
you
know
that's
absolutely
the
worst
thing
that
I've
ever
written
and
the
worst
thing
I've
ever
lived
through
and
I
hope
I
never
have
to
write
a
scene
like
that
again,
I
didn't
want
to
write
it.
I
didn't
know,
I
was
going
to
have
it
in
the
book
until
I
was
deep
into
the
book
and
then
I
realized.
My
goodness.
You
know
it
was
I,
think
one
of
the
most
important
scenes
in
the
book
and
it
was
really
harrowing
to
write
it
I.
D
You
know
when
you,
when
you
write
and
you
when
you're
writing.
You
really
have
to
enter
the
moment,
and
so
I
went
back
to
that
place
and
actually
I
had
come.
Two
minutes
come
back
to
Minnesota
I
live
in
portland
oregon
and
I've
come
to
northern
Minnesota
to
spend
five
days
by
myself
in
a
cabin
on
actually
the
road
where
I
grew
up
about
20
miles
down
the
road
from
where
I
grew
up
and
I
get
I
got
into
the
cabin
it
was
this
old.
D
It
used
to
be
a
Catholic,
a
sort
of
retreat
center
and
I'd
heard
about
it.
Growing
up.
It
was
built
when
I
was
a
teenager
and
I
didn't
realize
until
I
walked
into
the
the
door
of
this
cabin
that
my
stepfather
had
built
it.
My
stepfather
was
a
carpenter
and
when
I
was
a
teenager,
brahim
say
no
I'm.
Building
this
thing
for
these
nuns
and
I
get
there
and
I
know
it's
my
stepfather
built
it
because
he
has
a
very
distinctive
style
of
carpentry
that
is
recognizable
in
a
flash
and
especially
to
me.
D
It
looked
just
like
my
house
really
and
so.
I
sat
in
that
cabin
for
five
days
and
I
wrote
that
scene
over
and
over
and
over
and
over
again
and
I
wept
and
wept
and
I
would
write
and
then
I
would
bundle
up
and
go
walking
in
the
snow
and
and
come
back
and
write.
Some
more
and
I
read
it
out
loud
to
myself,
over
and
over
and
over
again,
because
I
wanted
to
get
every
sing.
D
You
know
just
all
of
that
emotion
without
becoming
melodramatic,
and
so
I
just
wrote
it
with
with
everything.
In
me
it
was
horrible
and
I'm.
Sorry
for
the
scene.
You
know
if
I
were
a
reader
coming
up
on
that
scene,
it
would
be
a
scene.
I
would
want
to
skip
over
because
I
hate
to
read
stuff
like
that,
and
yet
it
was
necessary,
so
I
hope
you'll.
Forgive
me
for
including
it
do.
A
D
So
yeah
when
I
was
married,
young
too
young
it
turns
out,
and
so
when
we
got
divorced,
I
just
knew
that
I
wasn't
I.
Couldn't
go
back
to
me
and
cheryl
Nylund
that
that's
my
name
growing
up.
Niland
is,
you
know,
still
my
middle
name,
I,
just
bumped
it
over
a
spot,
but
I
was
just
you
know.
I
was
at
this
moment
we're
really
like
I
said:
I
was
an
orphan
I,
didn't
have
a
mother
or
father
my
family
disintegrated
after
my
mom
died
and
I
was
getting
divorced.
D
Everything
was
ending
and
everything
was
beginning,
and
you
know,
as
somebody
somebody
who
really
has
you
know,
such
a
relationship
with
words
like
I
knew
I
had
to
choose
a
word
for
myself.
That
would
be
that
would
become
I,
guess
my
heritage.
You
know
that
I
created
and
and
so
I
thought
of
the
word
strayed,
and
now
that's
been
my
name.
Sometimes
when
people
will
go
straight,
isn't
your
real
name,
but
it
actually
is
my
real
name.
It's
my
legal
name.
It's
just
every
bit.
D
A
D
Away
to
home
st.
Martin's
Press
by
this
fabulous
fabulous
woman,
no
showing
no,
showing
ok,
ok,
so
this
always
happens
to
me
that
my
mind
goes
completely.
You
know
utterly
blank
sharon
olds
just
won
the
Pulitzer
Prize
in
poetry,
for
her
collection,
stags
leap,
which
is
extraordinary,
I,
think
I,
love
that
I
love.
That
book
and
my
colleague
in
my
writers
group,
Monica
Drake,
her
novel,
the
stud
book
just
came
out
last
week
and
it's
fantastic.
That's.
D
More
yep
boy
I
gave
you
three
book.
Are
yours,
Sharon
olds,
ok,
but
I'll.
Give
you
I'll,
give
you
another
one
I'm
Mike,
my
rumpus
colleague,
is
in
the
room:
Brian
Spears
there
he
is
over.
There
he's
the
poetry,
editor
the
rumpus,
and
he
lives
right
here
in
your
fair
city,
and
he
is
also
a
fine
poet,
and
I
recommend
that
you
buy
all
of
his
everything
he's
ever
written
all
right.
Vol
get
right.
A
On
that
everybody
take
out
and
check
out
these
books
and
love
listening
to
those
kind
of
answers,
we've
got
a
you
know,
there's
a
lot
of
family
oriented
questions
here
and
I
think
the
one
that's
the
most
interesting
to
me
is
that
you
were
very
candid
in
in
your
book
about
sex.
Did
you
did
you
ever
worry
about
how
this
might
affect
your
children
or
when
they
read
it
in
the
future?.
D
Wouldn't
you
all
love
to
have
a
bunch
of
books
that
your
parents
wrote
about
who
they
were
before
you
came
along
and
after
to
like
who
they
really
are
inside
and
so
I
think
that
someday,
my
kids
will
be
able
to
stand
back
and
see
that
and
it
will
be
a
gift
to
them
and
they
can
skim
over
the
sex
scenes.
That's
fine
with
me.
My
brother
did
my.
D
A
D
The
book
said
everything
I
wanted
it
to
say
and
like
a
in
a
big
way,
I
mean
they're.
The
thing
is,
there
are
certainly
scenes
in
the
book.
In
the
Bible
book
you
mean
wild
I
guess
there
are
certainly
things
in
any
the
process
of
making
a
book
of
any
sort.
You
know
some
things
you
have
to
leave
out,
for
you
know
the
sake
of
not
repeating
yourself
for
concision
or
whatever,
and
so
there
are
some
things
that
I
feel
like
there's
like
funny
moments
or,
oh,
you
know
outtakes.
That
would
be
like.