►
From YouTube: A Vulnerable Tale about Burnout - Julia Simon, CloudOps
Description
A Vulnerable Tale about Burnout - Julia Simon, CloudOps
This vulnerable tale is a personal journey through the unpredictable world of depression and burnout. It could have been easily predicted because Julia was "doing it all". Yet it was totally unexpected because she assumed her mental health was strong and stable; she could handle anything. Until she couldn’t and everything became unbearable. She made the impossible and necessary decision to stop working in order to recover, setting out on what became four months of self-discovery. Julia will talk about what what led her to this state, what it looked like, and how she was able to get the necessary help to feel strong enough to not only go back to work, but to have the courage to shift career paths all together. This experience should serve as a space for open and authentic discussions to eliminate stigma around the topic of mental heath in the workplace and the tech industry.
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A
Hello,
everyone
and
welcome
to
my
talk.
My
name
is
julia
simon.
This
is
a
story
about
my
experience
with
depression
and
burnout,
so
welcome
and
thank
you
so
much
for
having
me
here.
I'm
really
honored
and
happy
to
be
presenting
this.
What
was
a
challenging
story
in
a
really
positive
light?
So
thank
you
so
much
cd
khan
and
to
the
wonderful
folks
at
the
continuous
delivery
foundation.
A
So
a
little
bit
about
me
before
we
get
going,
I
live
in
montreal
canada.
I've
lived
abroad
as
well
and
I
speak
a
variety
of
different
languages.
I
am
also
a
very
proud
mother
to
a
fun
and
fiery
10
year
old
boy
and
I
work
at
a
company
called
cloudops.
We
are
a
cloud
computing
solutions,
company
based
here
in
montreal,
and
I
do
learning
and
development
and
community
work
for
that
organization.
A
A
I
do
want
to
add
a
quick
caveat
that
I
am
not
a
mental
health
professional.
This
story
is
really
about
my
personal
journey
and
what
happened
to
me
and
how
I
was
able
to
recover.
It
is
by
no
means
meant
to
be
medical
advice.
There
is,
however,
a
lot
of
information
about
burnout
on
research
and
science
and
the
facts
about
what
happens
to
us
physiologically
when
we
burn
out.
So
there
are
lots
of
resources
for
that
available,
but
this
is
really
my
kind
of
user
story
as
to
what
happened
to
me.
A
So
again,
we
are
here
to
chat
about
what
my
experience
was
with
mental
health.
It's
something
that
I
never
thought
would
happen
to
me
or
affect
me,
and
it
did,
and
so
I
wanted
to
share
that
story,
and
I
wanted
to
start
and
create
more
dialogue
around
the
topic.
It's
still
quite
stigmatized
in
general,
in
the
world,
and
I
wanted
to
share
my
experience
because
for
me
it
was
one
of
personal
growth.
A
For
me,
it
also
came
in
the
form
of
a
bit
of
an
existential
crisis.
I
really
wasn't
sure
what
I
was
doing
with
my
life,
both
just
as
a
person
and
also
professionally
so
that
created
a
lot
of
apathy.
For
me,
frustration
cynicism.
I
really
wanted
to
disconnect
from
where
what
I
was
doing.
That
for
me
was
a
pretty
significant
sign
because
I'm
a
pretty
collaborative
and
friendly
person.
So
when
I
started
to
get
frustrated
or
annoyed
with
simple
requests
or
people
asking
things
of
me,
that
was
definitely
a
sign
for
me.
A
I've
been
at
the
company
now
for
over
six
years,
but
at
the
time
I
started
to
feel
like
I
wasn't
able
to
do
my
job
properly.
I
felt
like
I
wasn't
effective
and
I
wasn't
adding
value
anymore.
I
also
went,
I
now
know
was
in
a
mild
depression,
and
so
that
led
to
me
not
sleeping
well,
and
it
led
to
me
just
having
generally
unhealthy
relationships
with
responsibilities
and
obligations
in
my
life
work
being
one
of
them,
but
not
exclusively.
A
A
A
So
the
triggers
for
me
were
really
layers
of
an
onion
that
took
several
years
actually
to
develop.
So
it
was
a
bit
of
a
slow,
a
slow
burn,
a
slow
decline
into
not
feeling
good.
So
it
started
several
years
ago
with
a
difficult
separation
from
my
son's
father,
so
that
was
element
number
one.
That
was
difficult.
A
A
This
event
kind
of
just
came
in
and
sent
me
down
further
down
the
rabbit
hole
that
I
was
already
going
down.
So
that
was
a
really
difficult
experience
and
one
that
I
think
also
really
marked
how
I
was
feeling
so
those
again
external
factors
in
conjunction
with
the
desire
to
please
this
sense
of
obligation
to
make
sure
that.
A
A
So
I
kept
going-
and
I
continued
because
I
didn't
realize
any
of
this-
was
an
issue
and
I
just
thought
this
was
normal
life,
and
this
is
how
it
is
and
you've
you
work
and
you
have
home
and-
and
you
suffer
through
it,
basically
and
in
2018
so
a
year
before
this,
this
breakdown
happened.
For
me,
I
had
been
to
see
my
doctor
and
she
suggested
antidepressants
and
she
suggested
getting
a
new
puppy.
Both
these
ideas,
for
me
were
seemed
ridiculous.
A
At
the
time
I
was
absolutely
not
ready
to
get
a
new
pet
and
the
idea
of
antidepressants
really
seemed
taboo,
and
I
wasn't
ready
to
do
that.
So
I
kept
doing
some
talk
therapy
which
helped,
but
eventually
then,
a
year
later,
in
2019
I
I
could
no
longer
carry
the
weight
of
of
all
the
of
all
the
burden
and
obligation
I
had
put
on
myself,
and
so
it
really
felt
like.
A
I
should
be
able
to
do
this
and
what's
wrong
with
me
that
I'm
not
able
to
do
it,
and
so
that
was
not
a
fun
feeling,
of
course,
that
contributed
then
again
on.
On
top
of
all
the
other
things
that
I
was
experiencing
eventually,
I
then
decided
I
have
to
take
a
step
back
and
I
have
to
stop
working.
This
was
a
massive
blow
for
me
because
it
felt
like
a
failure.
A
In
hindsight,
I
think
it
was
a
very
courageous
act
and
one
that
I'm
extremely
proud
of
and
one
that
I'm
happy
that
I
took
to
be
able
to
take
care
of
myself,
but
at
the
time
it
felt
like
I
was
just
juggling
and
walking
away
and
letting
everything
fall
and
it
really
felt
like
failure.
And
so
on
the
friday
I
announced
to
my
boss
and
my
colleagues
that
on
the
monday
I
wasn't
going
to
be
coming
in,
which
was
very
emotional
and
very
difficult
for
me
to
do.
A
But
I
did
it
because
the
idea
of
feeling
into
that
and
realizing-
oh,
my
god,
just
like
I
can
you
know,
walk
weightless
or
not
not
have
all
that
pressure.
It
felt
like
I
was
being
released
from
prison
really
and
not
to
say
that.
That's
how
I
felt
my
work
was,
but
that's
how
I
felt
my
my
the
pressure
that
I
was
putting
on
myself.
A
A
What
am
I
going
to
do
with
my
professional
life?
What
is
the
meaning
of
life?
Why
does
anything
matter?
I
really
got
existential
like
that,
so
I
continued
my
therapy.
I
did
ask
for
additional
help.
I
met
with
different
therapists
and
coaches,
who
were
able
to
help
me
one
of
the
main
things
that
I
learned.
That
is,
for
example,
an
exercise
where
I
was
able
to
visualize
little
julia
right
here
sitting
on
my
hand,
and
how
would
I
nurture
her
and
how?
How
would
I
treat
her
if
she
was
just
this
little
being?
A
A
I
started
to
take
this
all
on
as
my
full-time
job
to
the
point
where
my
doctor
said
julia,
you
need
to
relax
and
chill
out,
because
I
was
like
oh
okay.
Well,
I'm
off
work.
Well,
let's
go,
and
I'm
gonna
do
this
and
this
and
this
and
this-
and
it
really
doesn't
work
that
way.
I
really
had
to
give
myself
permission
to
do
nothing
very
difficult.
I
had
to
give
myself
permission
to
rest.
A
I
wanted
to
connect
reconnect
with
myself,
and
one
of
the
exercises,
as
I
mentioned,
was
having
little
julia
sitting
on
my
hand,
but
also
just
feeling
into
my
body
and
my
intuition.
I
realized
I
was
so
much
in
my
head
and
looking
at
things
rationally
as
opposed
to
feeling.
Well
do
I
want
to
do
this?
Is
this
going
to
bring
me
benefit?
A
I
also
have
a
solid
meditation
practice
that
I
was
able
to.
You
know
rely
on.
I
learned
how
to
journal
and
write
things
down.
I
spent
time
in
nature.
I
went
to
visit
horses.
I
live
in
a
city
where
there's
a
mountain
and
on
the
mountain
there
is
a
stable
for
the
police
horses.
I
would
bike
up
there
usually
in
tears
and
go
just
hang
out
with
the
horses.
I
would
try
to
ride
any
animals
that
I
could
be
around
or
dirt
that
I
could
get
my
hands
in
by
doing
gardening
really
helped
me.
A
As
I
mentioned,
I
did
take
antidepressants.
I
ended
up
taking
them
at
a
fairly
low
dose
for
about
six
weeks
and
at
the
end
of
that,
rather
than
I
was
having
some
side
effects,
so
my
legs
were
feeling
quite
heavy.
I
was
having
trouble
breathing
when
biking
and
it
it
created
a
bit
of
a
flat
line.
So
I
no
longer
felt
the
sadness
and
I
was
able
to
really
get
perspective
on
things
that
were
happening
and
the
deep
hole
that
I
felt
myself
being
in.
A
So
after
that
I,
after
those
six
weeks
of
the
medication,
I
then
did
a
few
other
things
and
and
rested
and
took
care
of
myself.
So
I
was
off
work
for
about
three
and
a
half
months
and
I
did
eventually
go
back
to
work
and
then
I
realized
oh
right.
This
professional
journey
is
not
clear
for
me.
What
am
I
going
to
do?
What
do
I
love
to
do?
A
A
It
was
granted
to
me-
and
that
is
something
that
is
absolutely
invaluable.
It
allows
me
to
have
a
day
to
do
something
else.
Sometimes
those
days
are
really
busy.
Sometimes
they're
not,
and
I
take
long
walks
and
I
really
try
to
recharge.
It
also
gives
me
a
lot
more
patience
and
room
and
space
for
my
parenting.
A
So
it's
something
that
I
I
really
value
and
has
really
significantly
helped
me
in
addition
to
that
here
are
a
few
other
things
that
have
made
a
pretty
significant
impact
on
me.
So
at
the
time
when
I
stopped
working,
I
removed
all
my
social
media
apps.
I
turned
off
all
my
notifications.
This
is
actually
still
a
practice
that
I
do
now
it's
something
that
I
I
want
to
be
able
to
choose.
A
When
I
go
and
see
the
noise,
I
don't
want
it
to
be
pushed
at
me
and
I
found
that
to
be
very
overwhelming.
So
that
was
a
tip
that
I
that
I
would
like
to
share.
That
was
very
useful.
I
also
put
a
budget
aside
to
buy
premium
meals
and
to
once
in
a
while,
have
somebody
come
and
help
me
with
the
cleaning
of
my
home.
A
A
A
So
it
gave
me
a
bit
of
permission
to
kind
of
clean
house
a
little
bit
and
really
prioritize
and
understand
my
my
limits
and
my
boundaries
as
to
how
I
wanted
to
do
that
and
then,
of
course
doing
things
that
make
me
happy,
and
I
would
reward
myself
with
those
things
for
having
small
accomplishments.
So
if
I
was
cleaning
the
bathroom
or
vacuuming,
I
would
do
something
nice
that
that
made
me
feel
really
happy
after
that,
even
if
it
was
as
simple
as
having
a
cup
of
tea.
A
So
all
that
to
say
that
if
you
are
feeling
in
some
way
down
or
sad
or
burnt
out
or
exhausted,
please
talk
to
somebody
about
it.
It
makes
a
huge
difference
to
not
be
carrying
the
burden
alone.
You
can
reach
out
to
me
you
can
reach
out
to
a
friend
or
colleague
or
even
your
manager.
It
really
does
make
a
difference
to
talk
about
it
and
think
about
what
makes
you
happy,
especially
in
the
year
that
we've
had
there's.
A
You
know
a
lot
a
lot,
that's
been
challenging,
but
also
a
lot
that
we
can
be
thankful
for
and
grateful
for
so
trying
to
look
at
those
things
and
if
you
do
work
on
a
team
or
if
you're,
in
a
leadership
role,
ask
people
how
they're
doing
genuinely
ask
with
curiosity
and
and
listen
to
their
answers.
Don't
just
do
it
out
of
courtesy,
really
do
it,
because
you
want
to
hear
what
they
have
to
say
and
it's
not
up
to
you
to
solve
their
issues
or
their
problems.
A
A
Hi
everybody
I'm
really
excited
to
be
here.
Thank
you
all
for
attending
and
listening
and
I'd
love
to
hear.
If
anyone
has
any
questions
or
comments,
I
think
we
had
one
question
a
little
earlier
up,
which
was,
I
am
wondering
if
burnout
only
happens
during
bad
times,
so
thanks
for
that
question,
I
think
the
idea
of
bad
time
is
really
subjective.
It
really
depends
on
what
is
going
on
for
you
and
what
constitutes
a
bad
time,
as
I
mentioned
in
the
talk
for
me,
it
was
like
the
compounded.
A
A
I
think
when
I
look
back
at
my
life,
I
can't
say:
oh,
my
gosh,
like
I've,
had
a
bad
life
or
a
particularly
hard
life,
but
certain
aspects
just
take
a
toll
on
us
and,
depending
on
how
we're
feeling
you
know
little
things
can
affect
us
in
a
pretty
significant
way.
And,
conversely,
you
know
we
can
be
totally
fine
and
something
big
happens
and
it
will
affect
us,
but
maybe
not
the
same
way
as
when
we're
feeling
you
know
weakened
or
not
in
our
optimal
state.
A
A
So
that's
a
great
question
and
it
is
very
relevant
because
we
are
all
glued
to
our
our
devices.
So
I
don't
think
the
screen
time
is
helping
the
sleep.
I'm
fairly,
certain
that's
been
scientifically
proven.
I
really
had
to
make
a
conscious
decision
to
no
longer
kind
of
care
what
was
going
on
in
my
social
media
world
and
in
my
phone
world.
A
It
really
gave
me
a
lot
of
anxiety
to
be
seeing
like
this
is
happening,
and
this
is,
you
know
the
fear
of
missing
out,
and
there
was
a
lot
just
a
lot.
I
was
just
felt
like
I
was
being
bombarded
all
the
time,
so
I
hear
how
that's
an
easy
thing,
because
you're
not
sleeping
properly
and
that's
just
a
quick
fix,
but
I
would
maybe
recommend
and
again
I'm
not
a
professional
in
this
but
stuff.
That's
helped.
Me
is
really
breathing
breathing
exercises.
A
There's
a
practice
called
yoga
nidra
you
can
find
on
youtube
or
on
spotify
anywhere
basically,
and
it
basically
walks
you
through
a
body
scan
so
doing
something
that
you're
really
just
listening
to
as
opposed
to
looking
at
and
you're,
not
getting
that
that
light
from
your
phone.
I
would
really
recommend
that,
and
if
it's
persistent,
I
would
recommend
that
you
go
see
your
doctor
and
speak
to
them
about
it.
A
How
did
you
handle
your
burnout
last
year
during
covid
when
countries
went
into
lockdown
and
work
from
home
became
the
norm?
So
thank
you
for
that
question.
Actually,
my
burnout
was
in
2019,
so
it
was
the
year
before
when
I
went,
but
I
had
gone
back
to
work
at
the
tail
end
of
2019,
so
I
had
been
back
at
work
for
about
six
months
when
covet
hit,
and
so
thankfully
I
was
already
starting
to
feel
better
and
I
felt
when
kovitt
hit
that
oh
finally,
the
whole
world
is
back
at
at
my
pace.
A
A
A
huge
thing
for
me
was
being
okay
with
not
responding
to
people
and
turn
off
notifications,
yeah
thanks
jeff.
That
made
a
huge
difference
for
me
and
being
able
to
say
no,
you
know
to
things
like
I,
I
don't
have
the
energy
to
do
that.
Thank
you
for
inviting
me,
but
it's
not
happening
for
me
right
now.
Rachel.
Do
you
think
that
this
sort
of
cumulative
cumulative
effect
of
events
weighing
on
us
and
resulting
in
a
crash
is
what
used
to
be
thought
of
a
midlife
crisis?
A
Maybe
one
of
the
coaches
that
I
worked
with
when
I
called
her
she
said:
are
you
37
and
a
half,
and
I
said
yes,
she
says:
oh
that's
when
everybody
calls
me,
so
I
really
thought
that
that
was
funny.
I
I
don't
know
if
I
would
necessarily
call
it
a
midlife
crisis.
I
think
it's
the
the
way
society
has
created
the
norm
around
work
and
work-life
balance,
which
is
only
now
starting
to
be
more
trendy.
A
A
I'm
just
wondering
if
we
could
normalize
this
more
like
it's
like
it's
more
common
and
something
to
be
vigilant
against
maintain
mental
health
yeah.
I
I'm
so
with
you.
That's
one
of
my
my
reasons
for
doing
this
and
it's
something
that
we
started
doing
at
cloud.
Ops
where
I
work
is
really
creating
this,
like
wellness
initiative
to
talk
about
mindfulness,
to
talk
about
how
we're
doing
normalizing
it,
and
I
think
a
lot
of
people
are
afraid.
A
Well,
if
I
say
this,
then
it'll
affect
my
career
and
I
won't
get
promoted
or
you
know
I'm
going
to
be.
You
know
cast
aside
because
I
had
mental
health
issues
so
for
for
me
it
is
really
about
talking
about
these
things
and
and
normalizing
it
and
understanding
that,
even
if
it
happens
to
us,
we
can
actually
come
back
stronger
and
healthier
and
happier
with
clearer
boundaries
as
opposed
to
a
weakness
which
I
don't
believe
it
is.
But
it
requires
time
and
effort
and
in
my
case
professional
intervention
and
medical
intervention.
A
Yeah
human
condition,
not
a
weakness,
exactly
it's
it's
it's
part
of
life
and
we're
all
dealing
with
different
things
with
different
weights
at
different
times.
So
it's
really
about
you
know
trying
to
to
get
support.
Ask
for
support
we're
all
in
the
same
boat,
so
jeff
says.
I
think
it's
also
important
for
us
to
realize
that
some
people
don't
have
these
issues
or
they're
able
to
focus
those
problems
into
different
solutions.
A
It's
okay
for
us
to
handle
things
differently,
yeah
totally,
and
that
was
why
I
wanted
to
share.
My
story
is
because,
when
I
was
in
this,
I
felt
very
alone-
and
I
felt
like
everyone
else
was
able
to
do
all
these
things
with
such
elegance
and
grace
and
like
no
big
deal,
and
so
how
come?
I
wasn't
or
you
know,
and
then
it
turns
out
that
actually
they're
they're
either
not
doing
so
well
or
they
do
half
the
things
or
they're,
just
really
good
at
social
media
and
taking
great
photos
of
themselves.
A
So
on
that
note,
I
believe
we're
just
at
time.
I'd
really
like
to
thank
you
all
again
for
your
participation.
I
hope
that
this
was
helpful.
If
you
know
anyone
who
is
struggling,
please
share
this
talk
with
them
and
if
anyone
wants
to
reach
out
I'd
be
happy
to
chat.
So
thank
you
all
again
and
enjoy
the
rest
of
the
conference,
and
I
really
appreciate
your
your
time
and
presence.